How do you anti-flirt with someone? There’s a guy at work who’s fun to talk with, but lately he’s gotten kind of flirty when he’s talking to me. I don’t know how to respond to some of the shit he says without sounding like I’m flirting back, and it’s stressing me out.
Oh, crap—I do not envy you. If he’s a supervisor, then what he’s doing is almost definitely against policy and should be reported to human resources, though I know that’s a tough choice to make, and there’s also no guarantee that HR will do the right thing. Seeing companies—like Google, most recently—use mandatory arbitration to silence accusers while letting abusers resign with golden parachutes doesn’t encourage people to speak up. I’d still recommend that you do it, because you want a paper trail or physical record showing that the company was aware of his inappropriate behavior, just in case you ever need one.
Hopefully, this is just a co-worker who’s getting too comfortable with you, and you can turn him off by simply being less friendly. I hate to advise you not to be yourself, but he was brought up in the same patriarchal society that you were, and he’s probably going to keep trying until it’s plainly obvious that he doesn’t have a chance. That’s gonna take you deadpanning him a good bit, not looking up from your phone when he speaks, one-word email responses, stuff like that. Being your kind self isn’t inherently flirtatious no matter what a man wants from you, and it’s not your fault that he’s interpreting your kindness that way and making you uncomfortable. You shouldn’t have to stifle yourself just to feel safe at work, and I’m sorry.
If you’re a more direct person like me, you can tell him plainly to stop flirting with you. If he’s making inappropriate comments about your body or your private life, then you’re well within your rights to tell him—not ask him—to stop (and I’d report that, too). If you want to tell him to only speak to you about work, you can do that, too.
Hey Bonita,
I share an office with an awful person! This person steals food that the company buys for our work—it is a job of service, but I don’t want to be too specific—and also talks in way too much detail about their sex life, problems with their marriage and financial problems. They also frequently belch loudly. This is not a joke—this is a real person. The kicker for me was last week when this person decided to change clothes in the office. I also want to be specific when I say that they talk nonstop. It’s almost pathological. I really don’t understand it. They will even walk through the office door and do a little song and dance to announce that they’ve arrived.
It’s driving me crazy! I can’t stand them, and it’s getting to the point where I’m having to rely on some pretty unhealthy coping strategies in order to get through a workday. Any tips? This person is related to my department head and has worked with us for 25 years. I’ve only been here one year.
The most complicated part here is addressing behavior that has been established over a 25-year career. The talking is definitely annoying, though probably not against any company policy that I can think of, but changing clothes in front of other staff just can’t be OK in a service environment. (I assume you mean health care or some kind of state-oriented public service.) You could bypass your forgiving boss completely and go directly to HR about something like that.
If you don’t want do make an issue of it, you might just have to come to terms with the fact that your co-worker is a nightmare, because it’s clear to me that their behavior has been reinforced over the years by the lack of reprimands from the appropriate persons. Report it if you like, and start speaking up when your co-worker’s blabbering is interfering with your ability to work. They might stop or not, but they should know that their behavior is not appropriate in the modern workplace.
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