Hey Bonita,
Now that I’m a year sober, I’ve had the horrible realization I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed having relations with my partner unless it was drug-fueled fun. It’s not really about what they’re doing; I think it’s just them. We’ve been together for years. What do I do?
Anonymous
Hey there Anon,
If sobriety has revealed to you that you’re not actually attracted to your partner, then I’d recommend that you end your relationship if attraction and intimacy are non-negotiable aspects of relationships for you. You’re allowed to need those things to be with someone. I support you going out and finding those things instead of languishing because of expectations. It’s a simple answer, I know, but attraction is a simple issue to me. Either it’s there or it’s not, and the lack of it will wreck a relationship. Go ahead and get it over with now before you’re put in the awful position of having to answer the question, “How long have you felt this way?”
I don’t think you have to share exactly what the issue is, though, at least for the sake of your partner’s feelings. You can say that you want to focus on sobriety, or that your druggy past with this partner is hindering your path to staying clean. All of that is true, and, perhaps most crucially, it sounds nothing like, “Now that I’m sober, I don’t find you hot, and it’s possible that I never have.”
I used to need to be intoxicated in order to really “let go” during sex, and speaking with a counselor friend of mine illuminated the issue for me. I was not present during those intimate moments, and I didn’t want to be. Being wasted meant that I didn’t have to accept the fact that I only went after losers who didn’t have a handle on what consent is, or that I never asserted myself in terms of my own desires and pleasure. Being drunk made all of that easy to ignore, including ignoring the person I was with at the time. Drunk sex and chem sex are rose-tinted glasses for those of us still working up the nerve to put our pleasure first, or at least on the same level as the pleasure of our partner. Honestly, I’m excited for your romantic future—now you have the clarity of mind needed to be intentional in bed and in love. Now you can be present with your partner when you’re being intimate, and that will lead to better sex and deeper intimacy that should hopefully snowball into an even bigger love.I also want to run this by you: Perhaps that lack of presence never allowed you to really see your partner, and now that you can see them, you don’t want to do the hard work of getting to know them all over again. I believe you when you say that you no longer desire sex with them now that you’re sober, but I encourage you to interrogate that feeling further. Is it really because of them, or are you intimidated by the blinding intimacy of sober sex with them? Maybe starting fresh with someone new sounds easier than starting back at one with someone with whom you literally needed to be trashed in order to start undressing. Sharing and intimacy are so much harder to do when you’re aware of the fact that you’re sharing and being intimate. It takes work to get to that natural place of collaboration with a partner, and you no longer have the balm of booze and/or drugs to make it easier. Consider that as you go forward and make your decision, and I promise that the decision you make will be the best one for you.
Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, or use our anonymous online form at flagpole.com/get-advice.
Like what you just read? Support Flagpole by making a donation today. Every dollar you give helps fund our ongoing mission to provide Athens with quality, independent journalism.
