Dear Bonita,
When my boyfriend and I got together a few years ago, things definitely got off to a rough start for us. Neither of us were super focused types at the time, and there was a lot of infidelity and leaving things unsaid. I forgave a lot back then, and after a while, he appreciated it and got serious about us.
Things have been pretty great for a while now, but fast forward to last week, when I found out that he cheated on me. I don’t want to share details, but please trust and believe that I know this to be fact. I’ve done my due diligence, and there’s no doubt in my mind about it—though he hasn’t confessed to me yet.
I’m hurt and furious, of course, but the thing is, I’m worried that I set some sort of precedent by forgiving him so many times back when he was a scumbag, and I’m not sure how to broach the subject. He’s been really good for years now, and I’m worried about disturbing the peace we’ve finally achieved. But I really can’t tolerate cheating. He’s a party boy and a football fan, and I freak out internally whenever he leaves the house. I can’t take this! Any help would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
At the Crossroads
Hey Crossroads,
I think we all forgive things in the first six months of a relationship that would never fly two years in, but one of those things should never be a dealbreaker like infidelity. I’m also worried he’ll say something along the lines of, “It’s been years, it was just one time, and things are going great for us as long as you don’t get hung up on this,” and try to make it your fault if the relationship falls apart because of his philandering. He’s not mentioning it because he knows he messed up and doesn’t want to face the consequences of it, and you should not let him use your forgiving nature against you.
You have to talk about this, unless you want him to take it as a sign that this kind of behavior is OK. So what if you forgave it years ago? It’s not OK now, and he knows that, no matter what happened in your past. You can bring it up in the same way that you’d bring up anything else, because your feelings and concerns are valid, and I hope he is humble and receptive.
You don’t seem to want to break up with him, and that’s cool. I do believe that couples can come back from infidelity, and I’m happy you have someone who you think is worth the effort.
Bonita,
I just popped in to remind your Classic City readers that it’s not OK to sit a dip-spit cup upon one’s table at a dining establishment. I see this too often at a place I frequent, and it’s most unappetizing. I’m trying to eat over here! Take your spit juice outside, and leave it there.
Quit the Sit and Spit
Welcome to the South! But I’m sure you’re Southern already and just feeling disgusted.
Here’s a secret: My mother chews tobacco. Yep, a real country girl. Most of the women on her side of the family either dip or chew. My grandmother uses a vintage Noxzema jar to collect her spit, and my mom uses a coffee can. (Always use something with a lid, y’all.)
However, neither of them dip in public. This could be because of gender roles, but I have a feeling it’s because they know it’s a disgusting habit and understand that it belongs in the shadows. Who the hell thinks it’s OK to dip or chew in public? And who is so fancy-free in their habit that they’d leave their spit cup on their table while eating? And who doesn’t spit out their plug of ’baccer to eat?!
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