AdviceHey, Bonita!

My Guy’s Great, But He’s Boring in Bed


My new man is a great guy, but a lousy lay. We’ve been dating for a couple months, and he’s just so BLAH in the sack, but incredibly fun and sweet and perfect in almost every other way. We’ve talked about it a little bit, and he admits that he’s never been super adventurous, but I’m not asking to be climbing the walls or anything. I just need more than missionary-with-the-lights-off.

This is seriously the only thing that I feel is keeping me from getting serious in this relationship. Bad or boring sex is a deal-breaker for me usually, but this guy makes up for it in every other way. How do I get his bedroom skills up to par?



Hi Yawn,

Hmm, I’ve got lots of questions here. How experienced is he? You might be only his second or third physical relation, and most of us are still fairly conservative at that point in our sexual development. How do you two usually initiate your intimate moments? If it’s always him, maybe you should try taking the lead in bed next time. Some people fall into a routine that worked with a particular partner, and they end up trying to apply those techniques with everyone.

He doesn’t sound like a particularly frigid or boring character—I doubt you’d like him so much if he were—but more like someone who just hasn’t made his way around the block yet. Get some old-school Nina Hartley instructional videos (they’re genuinely educational, but also very fun to watch and giggle at while still being titillating), and also just talk more about sex and intimacy as a couple. Talk about how important it is to you, and I’m sure he’ll want to stretch his wings and try to get better in bed. You adore him, obviously, so I’m sure he adores you enough to give it a shot.

Hi Bonita,

I just wanted to add to the seriously hard-to-answer question you got from the depressed student (May 3). As someone who has dealt with depression due to a chemical imbalance most of my life, I thought I would suggest restructuring your response.

If someone is depressed due to a chemical imbalance, changing external factors like school or work may not change their feelings. If someone is having self-harm thoughts, they need to get help from a professional ASAP. Most colleges have counseling centers, and there should be someone on campus that could prescribe medication. If there isn’t, they can refer them. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, march into the nearest form of help and get an appointment today! Your suggestion for a sliding-scale therapy center is great, especially if someone is not a college student.

If you fall down the stairs and have extreme pain, you may have just sprained something, or you may have broken something. You could wait around with that pain to see what happens, but if it’s bad, you should go to the doctor. It could be not serious at all; it could be a fracture, or a break that requires the bone to be reset. But just guessing often lengthens the time you are in pain.

From Someone Who Can Relate


Thank you so much for your response. I’m excited to see this in print, because this is very valuable information that many people can benefit from. I’ve been out of college for so long that I completely forgot about student health services! My alma mater was tiny but had excellent resources for students, and I can see that UGA has quite a bit to offer as well.

The person who wrote in originally didn’t specify a college or university—there are quite a few around here, not just our gigantic local one—but, dear writer, if you are a UGA student, I strongly recommend you go check out Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS) at the University Health Center. They offer crisis intervention, one-on-one counseling services, addiction and recovery counseling and dedicated women’s and men’s health services, and they can even help you quit smoking. It’s an amazing resource that you should definitely take advantage of.

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