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AdviceHey, Bonita!

How Do I Unfriend IRL?


There’s this person who hangs around my group of friends whom I really don’t like. They’ve never done anything to me, but they’re just not my type. I’d never hang out with them or be buddies with them. They obviously don’t know this, because lately, they’ve been really nice to me. Just plain old friendly, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m a nice person, too, and I don’t want to be rude, but I’m scared this person is warming up to me and might think we’re buddies. We’re not, and we’ll never be. I need to figure out how to shake this hanger-on.

To spurn an offer of friendship is pretty serious. Clearly, you have your reasons, and you have a right to them. Don’t be friends with anyone you don’t want around you.

But be prepared to look like a real asshole here. That’s the only way you’re gonna pull this off. You’re just going to have to refuse any friendly offerings and ignore any correspondence. This generation’s most definitive “we are not friends” move seems to be social media blockage, so do that, too. If this person is really trying to be your friend, then the message will be clear.


[In response to] a quote from one of your replies, “I’m queer, too, and part of living that is dealing with tokenization by breeders”:

Really, Bonita? Where do you get off labeling heterosexuals “breeders”? I fully agree that people often mistreat the queer community and treat them as some sort of “token,” as you say—no question about it. But in the process of defending queer rights (as we ALL should do), that does NOT mean we have to put down heterosexuals at the same time.

If you want people to listen to anything you say (which obviously you do, having an advice column) it is best not to be an ignoramus in the process. “Breeders” devalues couples, specifically women in these couples who are trying to have children. Empowering women does not only mean [empowering] those who chose to stray from “traditional” family structures. It extends to those who use their agency to have children, as well.

To be perfectly honest, I have issues with your column for this very reason. All I ask is, you have been given a voice in this community which I treasure so dearly; please think about what you write before you print it.

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I didn’t invent the word “breeder,” darling. Queers have been calling y’all that for decades, and to treat my use of the word as though it has the same weight as an actual, time-tested slur levied against people of color or the LGBT+ is just laughable. Keep it in perspective.

I very much enjoy being subversive with language in ways that provoke thought. For one, I call myself a “queer,” and not bisexual or pansexual or anything more politically correct. I do this for the same reason that Sherman Alexie calls his people—the natives of this continent—“Indians”: to remind the white man where that word came from. I always thought Athens could handle it, but then again, I also heard there’s a vegan church in this town.

I think you consider yourself an ally, but part of being a real ally to a marginalized group is not trying to police their struggle. Obviously, I’m not speaking the way you like to hear queers speak about the status quo. It’s like when Miley Cyrus said people would listen to Nicki Minaj’s complaints about discrimination if she were nicer. That is the definition of tone policing, which you are doing right now to me. You’re that person on Facebook who comments on #blacklivesmatter posts screaming about how ALL LIVES MATTER. You’re giving me Feminism 101 while calling me names and telling me I’ll never be good enough for you. You sound like Miley Cyrus.

If you have a problem with my column every week, you are looking for problems. There is no pleasing people who are determined not to be pleased. Like it or not, I’m a member of your community, I have a voice, and though I can’t make any promises about my language, I will continue to be here for y’all, and I will always do it from my heart.

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