Advicereality check

Reality Check

So, I went out on a date with this guy the other night. Let me start by saying that I live in a small state with a very small population, and virtually no gay “scene.” It is difficult for me to find guys my age who are single, and not just looking for a Grindr-style hookup. I graduated from college in a big city, and moved back here to be with family, because my dad is sick. Things are pretty hectic around here, between work and taking care of family, and I don’t get out much. Actually, I just haven’t gotten out at all for like a year. 

Over the past month or so, I have been trying Internet dating. I am very clear that I am not looking for a hookup. I am fairly choosy when it comes to partners—I need somebody who is smart and funny and, above all, a nice person. I don’t care much about what a guy looks like, as long as he has basic grooming skills and manners. I think of myself as being fairly open-minded. All of this is to say that, despite my efforts, I am having a really hard time meeting anybody at all, especially anybody that I can relate to. 

So, when I finally started talking with Jeff (not his real name, obvi), I was pretty happy. He is smarter than I am, funny, well-traveled (which I am envious of but excited about, because I want an adventurous travel partner for sure) and cute. We sent messages back and forth for a while, then exchanged pictures, then talked on the phone. By the time we met up for an actual date, I felt like I kind of knew him. We live about 45 minutes away from each other, so we met up near where he lives (an actual city with actual stuff to do) at a restaurant for lunch. 

Things were going really well until we were talking about where I went to school and where I used to live. He basically said he thinks all gang members should be rounded up and put in an arena, “gladiator style,” to kill each other so they can stop being a menace to everyone else. I brushed it off at the time, but I can’t get the remark out of my head. I was horrified, and I didn’t know how to react. Another thing he said made it clear that he not only believes in gun rights, but he has at least one gun. Granted, he grew up in a rural place, and many people have guns for hunting and whatnot, but I don’t think that’s what he meant. 

I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t pursue the point, because part of me didn’t want to know how he really felt. I had this idea of him being such a great guy, and somebody I could actually date and had so much in common with, but now I’m afraid that he is some kind of gun nut. Should I just run away? I’m really lonely. I have plenty of friends here, but no possibility of anybody to date. I don’t know what to think. Help?

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One gun does not a gun nut make, and neither does believing in gun rights. As long as a person is willing to stick up for the First Amendment as loudly as the Second, I don’t necessarily think it’s an issue. And making one crack that isn’t politically correct shouldn’t necessarily set off alarms. You need to ask more questions and see him again to figure out what he meant. Gods know I have said plenty of awkward and weird shit out of sheer nervousness, so I’d hate for you to rule this guy out before giving him a chance to explain himself. Unless, of course, having a gun in the house is a non-starter for you, in which case I guess you have your answer. Were these the only things that gave you pause? Was he otherwise who you thought he was? Open-minded and smart and funny and your type of guy? Maybe keep things casual and try another date.

I have been dating my girlfriend for about two years. We get along great. We live together, and we share responsibility for the bills and stuff, but we aren’t sharing a bank account or anything. Basically, I think we will eventually get married, but neither of us is even thinking about doing that yet. Last month, her car broke down. It was already on its last legs, and it didn’t come as a big surprise, but she doesn’t have the money to buy another one yet. Her parents are going to help her out, but she has to save up a certain amount first. Not really a big problem, because we live close enough to town for her to walk to school and work. 

The problem is when she wants to be out late. I have a pretty early schedule right now, and I am on call at work, so I can’t go out partying every night of the week. I don’t mind that she does, but the understanding is that when she takes my car, she has to be ready to leave wherever she is at the drop of a hat if I need a ride. That was going fine for the first couple of weeks. She used it a couple times, I didn’t get called, and she came home to find me sleeping on the couch in front of the TV. 

Then, one night, she came in and she was a little tipsy. I made a crack about it, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I said she should have called a cab if she was going to drink that much, and she got defensive and said she was fine. I was mad, and I didn’t say anything until the next morning. She knew she had screwed up and seemed genuinely sorry. I trusted she meant it. The thing is, she works late a lot of times for her job, and I don’t want her to get stuck downtown without a ride, but now I really don’t want her driving my car when she goes out. I trust her, but I can’t risk anything happening—not only because of my job and needing my own car, but because I care about her and I don’t want her dead or in jail. How can I tell her this without her getting mad at me?

Not Her Dad

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Can you drop her off at work and tell her to take a cab or find a ride? Or hell, if you’re on call anyway, can you pick her up sometimes? You aren’t being unreasonable. It’s your car, your insurance and your peace of mind we are talking about. DUI is pretty common in college towns, and so are DUI convictions, which cost thousands of dollars. No, you aren’t her dad, and she isn’t a kid. Do what you have to do.