Advicereality check

Reality Check

I dated the same guy for most of the time I was in college. “Bill†and I were great together, and we were definitely in love. We got very close, and got close to each other’s families as well. Our university is in my hometown, so my mom grew very fond of him, and he was always very good to her. I think we both assumed that we would get married, but as we wound down toward graduation, we kind of just drifted apart.

In retrospect, I guess the relationship had just run its course, because the only next step was marriage and we both knew we were not ready for that. The breakup was painful and difficult, but we remained friends. I ended up dating a co-worker, a guy whom Bill had met once. Bill moved back to the city he was from, and then I ended up there about six months later, with my new guy, “Ryan.†It is the nearest big city, and most of the people who leave my hometown go to this city, so it isn’t like I followed Bill or anything.

So, Ryan is very jealous of Bill. I guess I understand, because we were very close and had a long relationship. But Bill and I BOTH broke it off. We just knew it wasn’t right anymore. And we didn’t really talk very often after, either. Maybe once in awhile, if we saw each other at a mutual friend’s house or out at a show some place. Ryan still gets so insanely jealous. I try to convince him that it is crazy, but it seriously has ruined our whole night when we have even seen Bill, or when an old friend says his name. He even made me leave a show once before we saw the band we came to see because he got so freaked out when he saw Bill.

The problem is that Bill doesn’t know this, so Bill, of course, comes over to say hi if we see him, and Ryan acts like Bill is somehow being smug and rubbing something in his face. But Bill doesn’t know, so it would be totally weird if he saw us and pretended like we weren’t there. I cannot convince Ryan to let this go. SO, finally, like a week ago, I called Bill and told him. I told him that Ryan was crazy jealous, and that we couldn’t talk anymore, and that it would be easier for me if he just pretended he didn’t see me out anymore, ever. Bill seemed surprised, but he didn’t really argue with me. He just said he was sorry if he was causing problems and that he hoped I was OK. That was it. But now I am wondering if I am OK.

I don’t know what to do, because I feel like what if Ryan and I break up? Bill is one of the few people here that I really know and I can count on. Also, I wonder what will happen if Ryan decides he is jealous of somebody else? Now I feel like I sold out a real friend for somebody who doesn’t trust me enough. Am I being crazy, or should I be mad? Cause I’m kind of mad now. At Ryan, for being so insecure and at myself for not standing up to him. The problem is, whenever I get mad at him he gets all weird and weepy and says he is afraid I am going to leave. What have I done? What should I do next?

Always Playing Defense

You can’t apologize for dating somebody and being in love with them before you even met your current boyfriend, nor should you have to. You should be mad. I’m sure Ryan is a perfectly nice guy, when he isn’t being manipulative and emotionally abusive, but he is definitely not boyfriend material. Whether or not you should cease talking to Bill is beside the point (though I don’t see why you should). This is not a question of what if, but when. You need to get rid of Ryan post-haste.

I have been dating this woman for two years. We are very compatible, but we both work a lot, and she travels because of her job, so we really only see each other on weekends, and that only happens if we’re both in town. We have yet to move in together, because we both see that as a definite “next step†that neither of us is ready for. We aren’t even calling our relationship exclusive, though I haven’t been with anyone else for over a year. Honestly, I don’t know why things haven’t really moved along faster, but I never questioned it before.

But now there’s a new situation. She has a family emergency happening in another state. Because she travels so much for work, she is going to give up her apartment here so she can go home on weekends instead of coming back here. And she wants me to let her move some stuff into my place. I know this sounds petty, but I don’t feel like keeping her stuff when I am going to see her even less than I already do. It’s not even a lot of stuff, but I have a small apartment and, also, I just don’t know what is going to happen, so I don’t want her stuff here. If this thing is going to come to a natural end, I don’t want the literal baggage in place of the figurative kind. But I feel a little guilty saying no because of her situation. What should I do?

Baggage Claim

Tell her to ask another friend, or rent a storage unit. I’m sorry, but if you aren’t exclusive and you’re not even seeing each other once a week, you can’t possibly be the first person she would ask this favor of, right? If you are, then she needs to put more effort into her friendships. I’m sorry, but I don’t see how your already tenuous relationship survives this, and the last thing you need is some material crap keeping you tied to somebody that you obviously need to move on from. Don’t do it.