December 27, 2017

A Feast in Seat 75D


As many of us ready ourselves for the drudgery of flying this holiday season, it is important to know what articles TSA allows us to carry on. Furthermore, some of these will make flying fun again.

Adult toys. Just don’t play with these if you sit next to me.

Airbrush makeup machine. I was clueless that people airbrush their faces, let alone need this machine on trips. I apparently have been missing out on this miracle method of applying makeup to my entire body, as well as spraying on eyebrows and stenciled tattoos. It concerns me that some sprayers can apply pressure up to 35 psi, the amount of pressure in my car tires. I would be afraid of blowing a hole in my cheek. 

Butane curling iron. Another beauty item that I didn’t know I needed. Said iron apparently is crucial for traveling, according to “I could not get myself prepared properly if my hairs are not set up nicely.” I hate it when my hairs are not set up nicely.

Antlers. TSA notes, “…you should check with the airline to ensure that the item will fit in the overhead bin or underneath the seat…” Good idea. There must have been and always will be some moron who thinks moose antlers would fit in these spaces. Really, all the rest of us smartypants know that only jackalope antlers will fit. 

Artificial skeleton bones. On my next trip to Nepal, if I shatter my shin bone while mountain skiing on Neh Var Com Bak peak, I can now temporarily replace with my spare set.

Car engine and other car parts. I am disappointed that I can’t carry my shiny rebuilt engine under my arm onto my flight, as it won’t fit in the overhead bin or under my seat. But at least it’s OK to put into my checked suitcase.

Bread maker, camp stove, blender; cheese, alcohol, fruit; and robot vacuum cleaner. Fortunately, there are electrical plugs under some airline seats for when I’m sitting in a cattle-car seat (e.g., 75D, where you're lucky if you get three little stick pretzels and a hollow ice cube to suck on). I will bake a bit of fresh bread to accompany my chèvre melted smoothly atop my stove and, for drink, whir up some freshly blended strawberry margaritas. 

When done feasting, I’ll simply have my robotic vacuum cleaner tidy up the crumbs.  

Note: Visit for up-to-date information and more interesting carry-on items, such as Geiger counters and handcuffs.