NewsPub Notes

Helicopters, Sex and Secession, Fools

Heli, No!

After a cacophony of complaints, Cobbham has been declared a no fly zone. Influential Cobbhamites have used their clout with the Mayor and Commission to reroute the flights of the medical-evacuation helicopters flying between Atlanta and Piedmont Regional Hospital adjacent to Cobbham.

“They wake us up at all hours of the night, coming in at treetop level,” complained Chuck Funnicutt, an attorney and D.C. insider.

“It’s not like we don’t want sick people to get to the hospital fast,” added Jack French, a globetrotting journalism prof emeritus. “They can get to the hospital just as fast if they come down Oglethorpe Avenue.”

“And let’s face it,” explained investor and river kayaker Cobb Barson: “Oglethorpe Avenue is not up to the quality of Cobbham: That’s just a financial fact. I mean, those people have to sleep, too, but since they’re not as genteel as we are, they’re not as easily awakened.”

The Cobbham neighborhood, back in the day when the B-52s couldn’t afford rock lobster, was a warren of dilapidated old houses with cheap rents for students and musicians. Neighborhood activists fought off efforts from the hospital and a church to bulldoze Cobbham for improvements such as parking lots and retention ponds. Their efforts paid off, and Cobbham homes have risen in value to the point that not even the B-52s can afford one.

Cobbhamite volleyballer and government reorganization expert Lon O’Jooney was philosophical about the route change. “Look at it this way,” he said. “Once the Republicans get it together to pass their their health-care bill, there won’t be any funding for the helicopter, anyway.”

Pursuit of Happiness

Speaking of Republicans, the syndicated radio talk show host and Southern Baptist pastor, Congressman Toady Heist, who “represents” Athens, was unfazed by the fact that the Freedom Caucus, to which he belongs, shot down his party’s effort to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act.

“I’m gonna be honest with you,” Heist said in a rare telephone interview from his manger in Bethlehem, GA. “There is not one word, not one iota, about health care in the United States Constitution. It’s the lying, liberal Democrats, aided and abetted by the leftwing media—the enemies of the American people—that have made up this lie about people needing for the government to pay your tax money so they can sashay into a doctor’s office any time they feel like having an abortion.”

Pastor Heist continued, “In fact, the truth is that nobody would ever even need to think about having an abortion if they just stopped having sex. It is Planned Parenthood’s fault that people have sex, and I can guarantee you all that will stop in a New York nanosecond when we pass the Freedom Caucus health-care bill. There won’t be any Planned Parenthood handing out all those contraceptives that do nothing but make people think about having sex.”

Asked why the Freedom Caucus is against people having sex, Heist replied: “There’s not a single syllable in the U.S. Constitution about people having sex. It’s not in there. If you can show me where the Constitution says it’s OK to have sex, I will put a condom on a banana in the lobby of the Space Kroger, and you can quote me on that.”

Student Government

The owners of The Snark, the large, luxury student apartment complex being built along Oconee Street, shocked the Athens Downtown Development Authority recently by opting out of inclusion into the new downtown development district. Now, the reason for that decision has become clear.

The Snark won’t be part of downtown Athens, because it will not be in Athens, according to Mayor Dancy Ninny. The Snark not only will be allowed to opt out of downtown, it will opt out of Athens and, like Winterville, become a separate, independent community within Athens-Clarke County.

“As you all know,” Mayor Ninny said at a Friday press conference, “I feel kind of protective toward The Snark. It has always been kind of a pet project to me. There was an effort to turn this whole area into some kind of weirdo, so-called high-tech development combining offices for tech companies along with apartments for adults and restaurants, bars and other entertainment facilities, including even an amphitheater. They said we could finance the whole wild scheme with something called ‘tax allocation districts’ and jumpstart our city’s efforts to attract high-tech businesses and the upscale, creative people they employ. I must say that it is lucky for our community that my developer buddies were able to show me that such a scheme was not right for Athens, in spite of the success of such efforts in Greenville, Atlanta, Columbus and other nearby cities. Now, we’ll have this bold, new, corporate, privately owned little town in our midst, and after I leave the ACC  government, I’ll become the mayor of Snark City.”