Hey Bonita,
Obviously women just got a royal f*** you in America, and I won’t go on a rant about that right now. But this is bringing back emotions I experienced when the heartbeat bill nonsense was going on—sex anxiety. Even using safe sex practices, I was having some serious anxiety when it came to doing the deed or feeling comfortable during. I even stopped having sex for a while. Well, the sex anxiety has come back. Even though nothing has changed in Georgia (yet), it has a very strong mental hold on me. I recognize that it’s in my head, but I feel very powerless to control it… and when the brain says no, my body says no, too. Do you have any advice on how to manage what’s going on with our government without actually letting them control what’s going on in our bedrooms to this extent?
Anxious Performer
Hey there Anxious,
I am absolutely in the same boat right now. On top of general sex anxiety, I also have anxiety around using hormonal birth control after a friend died of a blood clot in college. I tend to require my partners to use condoms if I’m having the type of sex that could cause a pregnancy. But condoms aren’t fail-safe, and neither is pretty much any other type of birth control out there. Don’t talk to me about celibacy or “waiting,” because I have sex to have orgasms, not to conceive.
The stakes feel so much higher now, but this isn’t just our problem. So much of the onus of safe sex and preventing pregnancies falls on those of us who end up carrying the babies, and that’s just not fair when a creepy, crybaby shit-stain like Kavanaugh gets to make this kind of decision for millions of Americans. What I’m saying is that if you are a person without a womb who doesn’t want children, then it’s time for a vasectomy. I’m sick of wringing my hands over this kind of stuff when everybody who can’t carry is just sprinkling their seed all over town. I once ran into a childhood friend who bragged openly about having six children, as if they all didn’t have different mothers who were also their actual primary caretakers. That’s not to say that there aren’t any single fathers who are primary caretakers in the world, but this kind of sex anxiety stems from the fact that so many people who have had unexpected pregnancies have to figure out what to do on their own, so much so that the Terrified Pregnant Slut is a fairly common trope in media.
Personally, I am not having sex with anyone who can get me pregnant without some kind of action on their end. If a person can get a vasectomy, then they should have one if they want to walk the way they talk. The procedure is quick and performed under local anesthesia, and insurance often covers the cost. If you’re not insured, then holler at Planned Parenthood in Atlanta, which offers a sliding scale. I don’t know how great of a plan this really is as far as managing my own anxiety, but I know I’d be able to relax and enjoy myself if I knew that my partner cared about staying child-free as much as I do. And stop crying—vasectomies are reversible, you big babies. (Do you have ANY idea how painful IUD insertion is?) If someone claims that they are a feminist and that they believe that everyone involved is responsible for preventing unwanted pregnancies, then they’ll at least consider getting “the snip” while they’re out there sowing their royal oats.
It’s been a bad month for those of us who don’t want to die in a mass shooting or have control of our bodies. I’m discouraged as hell about the future, y’all. There are so many intersections to my identity that I know I’ll be one of the first up against the wall if America ever becomes the fascist Christian theocracy we’re signaling towards. I don’t know how to fix this, but I know that I’m done being the only one to sacrifice my comfort to remain child-free.
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