Categories
AdviceHey, Bonita!

Problematic Friends

Today I got a message from a friend of mine that another friend of mine said a slur. We’ve been friends for almost our whole lives (ages 3–19). I don’t know what to do. He’s not white, but he can’t reclaim the slur. I don’t know if I should drop him or just distance myself.

Anon

Hey Anon,

I’m cool with either one of those solutions, because you don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t want in your life. There are plenty of white people I no longer associate with because they insist on using slurs in a reclaimed manner when they’re not entitled to reclaim that language. Basically, imagine the white guy who won’t back down after you tell him that he can’t sing along to the n-word that pops up in a song at the club. I’m not friends with those people, so I can’t act like it’s an overreaction for you to cut this guy off for similar behavior. I’m a little surprised that you wouldn’t want to at least try to talk this through first, since he’s a lifelong friend, but who knows, maybe you were already kind of sick of this guy, and this situation is offering you the exit that you’ve been looking for. Maybe you’ll cook on this and decide that it’s worth a conversation after all, but I can say from personal experience that telling another adult that they’ve done something bad doesn’t always go great. If he stands his ground on such despicable behavior, then I’d say that you’d be justified in choosing to just drop this guy.

Help! I am in college, and my parents decided to buy a house near my college as an investment for them, and so I wouldn’t have to pay for the overpriced apartments nearby. I decided to have my friend move in with me so the rent would be cheaper, but she does not respect my parents’ place. Her boyfriend started visiting every month or so and would stay for weeks, and when she would go to work, he would still be at the house by himself. At the time, I did not really know him, so it was uncomfortable for me that he was in my house alone. Fast forward, and he moves to the area. He sleeps here every single night and often stays here when she is not here. When I had a conversation about it [with] my roommate, she agreed to not let him do that. Sure enough, he kept doing it. Also, he even set up a little gaming room in my guest room! He does not pay for that room, nor does he pay the utilities to be on his game all night. While this is all happening, it is very tense in the house, and my roommate does not speak to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own house, and at this point I just want her out. 

I have a friend who is desperately looking for a place to stay, and I would love to give her an opportunity to live here. However, I need to somehow kick my roommate out without being rude. We work together, and she has turned on me to our friends before. Any advice on how to go about this? I feel I have done everything I can. I have had multiple conversations with her, and I don’t feel like she respects me or my parents’ home. I get that she pays and is allowed to have her boyfriend over, but it is ruining our friendship, and frankly, I am uncomfortable!

Anon

Since your parents are the landlords, let them handle this. Let them evict her. You should not be involved in the conversation at all, seriously. Just let them handle this as the property managers that they’re supposed to be, anyway. If they can afford to buy a house in Athens right now, then they can also definitely afford to consult with a lawyer to make sure that the eviction is aboveboard, that way she can’t turn around and try to invoke squatter’s rights or something.  And let’s be very clear here: She’s the one who destroyed your friendship, not you. She took advantage of your generosity and put you in danger by constantly allowing a stranger in your home, even if it’s a stranger that she bangs. Frankly this couple sounds awful, and you should feel fine if your entitled leech of a “friend” never wants to talk to you again.

Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, or use our anonymous online form at flagpole.com/get-advice.

RELATED ARTICLES BY AUTHOR

  • My Unremorseful Friend Said a Slur

    Hello, I don’t know what to do. My white friend said a racial slur, and I’m at a loss of what to do. I was ranting to her about...
  • And Then There Was One

    Hey Bonita, I was previously dating two people casually, and they recently told me that I needed to choose one, as they were seeking monogamous relationships. I chose the...
  • Keeping Clear Communication

    I have a bad conversational habit that I’m afraid makes me seem full of myself or self-centered. Whenever someone is talking about a problem or sharing a bad experience,...
  • Moving On, and Do They Like Me?

    Hey Bonita, It’s taken too many years, but I’ve finally accepted it’s just not going to work out for me to be with this person I care for deeply....