Bonita,
I have a pretty healthy sex life, but for the past few months, I’ve been laying low and getting ready for summer. Getting my beach body ready and all that. Taking time to be single and happy and feeling sure of myself, now that summer is pretty much here. I’ve never purposely taken a break like that before, but I really enjoyed the alone time. I got to think hard about what dating and sex mean to me (and what I want them to mean to me in the future), be sure I’m not doing things because of social expectations, and make sure I’m living for myself.
Now, I am feeling good and looking great and ready to hit the ground running. I wanna get laid and go on dates! But… I feel weird! I don’t know. I was loving this single thing, but when I go out and try to pick up guys, my heart doesn’t feel into it. Trust me, I am definitely horny and desiring company, but when I’m in the moment, all I can think about is going home to Netflix and chill by myself.
Have I gotten too comfortable with solo time? I’m worried that I enjoy myself so much that I’ll stay single and sexless. This was not the intended goal of being single for a while! Maybe I should just reach out to an old flame? I know you were celibate recently. How did you get yourself back into the swing of things? What would you recommend for someone in your same predicament?
First, don’t think of it as a “predicament.” You wanna get laid and go on dates, and you’re actively putting yourself in environments to be cruised, flirted with and pursued. It even sounds like you’re taking the initiative and making moves on people you dig, not just waiting on others to hit on you. And that’s wonderful. You’re doing great! You’re doing everything that I would recommend, actually.
There’s no use in sitting at home and trying to conjure up a partner from the ether, and you know that. I assume you have Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, etc., and if not, I’d recommend giving them all a shot. I prefer OkCupid myself, and during the summer, I find the pickings to be older, more serious and less student-y. But I have to admit, the best boo I’ve had so far in Athens was an undergrad math major whom I met on an app, so never judge a book by its cover. (You’re a great dude, Sean! Email me.)
Speaking of old flames, there’s no harm in reconnecting with someone whom you were really digging for a while, as long as everything ended copacetically. You don’t wanna send a “wyd” text just to get a paragraph-long response about your audacity. Do what you like, but I certainly don’t recommend trying it with someone who you know has any sort of hard or soft feelings towards you, especially if you’re just trying to get laid. That’s rude!
But seriously, don’t think of this as a predicament. You took some “me” time, and your evening routines changed, and I’m sure your overall lifestyle has shifted somewhat. You like being at home—so what? You’d rather she-bop than roll the dice in bed—good! These tendencies are flying in the face of your stated desires to date and bang, but everything is fine, as long as you’re being true to yourself.
You don’t “have to” go out and have sex just because you thought about doing that earlier in the day. You’re allowed to change your mind and your plans, even if you’re mid-coitus with the perfect partner. One of these days, you will most certainly follow through, but I don’t see this as a problem that needs fixing. How can you enjoy something if your mind isn’t present and you’d rather be alone? If you wanna go home in the middle of flirting and binge-watch “The Crown,” do it. That’s just as valid as being the lettuce in a poly couple’s sandwich. Good luck, and do what you like.
Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, use the anonymous form at flagpole.com/getadvice, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.
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