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June 20, 2018

The OI' Bump-and-Grind Bait-and-Switch

Hey, Bonita…

I need some expert insight here. This one is new to me. Recently I reconnected online with a guy I went to elementary school with. He lives in another state, in a city that that I visit frequently for work. We found we have many common interests and had been running in the same circles most of our young lives (we are mid-50s now). We really hit it off and decided to meet in person on my next trip. We spent the day together and had so much fun talking, revisiting the haunts of our youth, etc. We ended up in bed that night. He had been single for years; I was suffering the end of a passionate two-year affair. (I didn’t tell him that I might be on rebound.) Two weeks later, I visited again, and we spent the entire weekend together. We had the best time ever, and the sex was off the damn chain.

A couple days after I returned home, he tells me he just wants to be friends. No sex, no sex talk, no teasing or cutting up or anything like that. He says he really likes me, thinks we are made for each other and wants to pursue a long-term relationship. He’s talking forever. We are so much alike—our interests, our pasts, our hopes for our golden years. He says he wants us to build a relationship as friends without the distraction of sex and the teasing talk we enjoyed. He even shuts me down or ignores me when I make sex jokes or mention our romps.

We talk and text all day, every day. I know he loves sex as much as I do, and we were amazing together. I don’t understand why he would cut that out thinking it would build a stronger long-term relationship. Does that make sense to you? I really like him so far, and maybe he could be the one. Good sex is important to me, and very important in a long-term relationship. I’m already confident that we are compatible that way.

To be honest, if he won’t put out, I’m thinking I’m not so interested in being tied down. I have other offers, and some of them are enticing. But going out with another would definitely be the end of him. I’d like to see where it goes with him—but no sex? He won’t even say when he might want to be intimate again. He just tells me to be patient.

I’ve racked my brain trying to figure a reason for holding off on sex until you have a good friendship base to build on. Especially after we’ve already done it several times. I don’t understand boys at all.

Honey, I don’t either. I’ve had guys pull this exact same bait-and-switch on me, and it’s insulting and frustrating. Sounds to me like he got caught up in the flirting and sexy talk, saw you in person, slept with you, got a taste of an intimate side of you that he either wasn’t ready for or never wanted to know, and backed off with an offer of friendship because he doesn’t want to hurt you. This guy might not think of himself as a player, but he pulled a real player-ass move on you by using your connection as friends to form a groundwork for him to flirt his way into your panties.

But I’m not always that cynical, and maybe he has a past of starting relationships too hot and heavy. Maybe his relationships fizzle out once the honeymoon ends, and he realizes that he has nothing in common with his partners besides sex. Maybe he really does want to truly know you before committing to you.

With that in mind, don’t wait around for this guy. I say keep talking and being friendly if you’re comfortable with that, but you should absolutely pursue other partners who can fulfill your needs. You sound like you’re ready to date, and this guy doesn’t even live here. Even if he’s serious, I don’t think you need to compromise your needs while you wait on him. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen whether you move on tomorrow or not. So move on.

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