Hey Bonita,
I found out that I may have been the other girl, and I’m not sure if I should tell the main girl. From her social media and what our mutual friends say about the pair, I don’t think she knows her boo is hanging out with others. When I asked if he was dating anyone else, his response was along the lines of “No, not really” (a very Athens-dude answer).
I don’t know him that well, but we have a lot of mutual friends, and I don’t want to stir up drama, but the whole thing has left me feeling uneasy. Do I say something? Just watch it burn from afar?
Other Girl
Hey Other Girl,
Your two options have upsides and downsides. You could say something and end up at the business end of heteronormative rage. You’re the “other woman” in this scenario, and unless you’re dealing with hella-feminist but still-monogamous people, you stand the chance of bearing the blame for his infidelity. It’s sad, but we live in a world where women fight over shitty men. If you say nothing and just watch it burn from afar, then there’s a chance that she could find out and still angrily confront you anyway, wanting to know why you never told her what was happening.
Whatever you choose to do, you definitely owe it to yourself to stop sleeping with this guy. There’s an ancient hood proverb that goes, “If that’s the way you got him, then that’s the way you’ll keep him.” He’s already shown you that he’s a liar and a cheater. Even if this all worked out with them breaking up and you two becoming an item, you’d still worry that he was being unfaithful to you, because that’s how you two got involved.
You’re not the cheater here, so you really don’t owe anyone else anything. Still, I recommend you tell his actual girlfriend, because it’s the right thing to do.
Help me, Bonita-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
I am a single male pushing 40, and my struggles to find a female companion have become the stuff of legend. It’s said that Athens is bereft of a sizable dating pool for us thirtysomethings, and I’m beginning to think that this may be the case.
I reckon I’m a bit shy, and never learned “The Game,” as I perceive it. Still, I’m not a complete recluse, and working in retail has helped me improve my interpersonal skills. I have a pretty positive image of myself. I exercise regularly, I work full time, and have my own place and my own car. Yet in 20 years since high school, I have had a whopping two girlfriends, with a total relationship time of about 14 months. I just want to know why dating is so much easier for everyone else, and is a huge struggle for me.
I don’t know if I really have a question for you, or just wanted to rant. What do you think—should I just go join a monastery, or is there something else I’m missing? Maybe you could introduce me to P.P.P.S. [from the Dec. 13 issue] if things haven’t improved on her end. The nights are getting awfully cold as of late, and I am very interested in a female forever friend.
Thanks, and I hope I haven’t presented you with a lovelorn Gordian Knot.
Louis Friend
Hi Fool’s Gold,
Your letter was edited for length and clarity, but there are so many nerdy Easter eggs in this email that I kinda wanna ask you out myself. I hate to put it this way, but dating is a bit of a numbers game. You’ve gotta keep playing and beat the odds. You’ve gotta kiss a lot of frogs. I don’t always have an easy time of it either, and that’s when I remind myself that I’ve known lust and love in the past. So have you. You’re likeable and lovable, because you’ve been liked and loved before. You will be liked and loved again, no doubt about it. There are too many people in Athens and the rest of the world for that not to happen.
Keep dating. Keep on moving after she says no or if it fizzles out after a date or two. You have to make yourself available in order to meet someone, so stay available, and don’t get hung up on rejection. You’ll meet someone.
Need advice? Email advice@flagpole.com, use our anonymous form, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.
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