November 16, 2016

When Sexting Goes Wrong

Hey, Bonita…

Should I (anonymously) tell a married acquaintance I saw a picture of her husband's junk on his social media feed? I am inclined to believe he pulled an Anthony Weiner and meant to send it to an admiring co-ed instead of the whole damn internet.

Carlos Danger

Hey Carlos,

Definitely. Screen-cap and send. Now, keep in mind that you might not know all of the details of their marriage, and they might not be monogamous. Plenty of couples nowadays aren't monogamous, and plenty are also very secretive about that choice. She might only be appalled that he accidentally flashed the internet instead of sending that photo to one of his mutually-agreed-upon partners.

When you send it, be coy about it and don't assume the worst on his part. But if he's got access to “co-eds,” and you know he's sneaky in the first place, you'd be doing your married friend a tremendous solid by putting her on to her man's philandering ways. And honestly, if that's the case, she probably already knows about the photo, and fallout has already begun.

How do I deal with my jealous nature? Not just with boyfriends, but with everyone. I get so angry and hurt sometimes just seeing my boyfriend having fun with other people, and I do the same when I see my besties having a ball without me. I love my boyfriend and my friends, and I know they love me. But I get livid sometimes when I realize I've missed out on a fun night with any of them. Sometimes I worry there's a conspiracy to exclude me, or that I'm just no fun and that's why I don't get the text to come out and party. I don't know, Bonita. I feel crazy when I catch myself thinking this way.

You've pinpointed why you get jealous: You love the people in your life and wanna feel that love as often as possible. That's good. Now you can solve that problem by being more mindful and present when you are actually spending time with your loved ones. You just mention nights out—not the real moments we spend with each other that create the bonds of friendship.

I'm sure you get plenty of time in with your partner and buddies, but seeing crazy parties on Snapchat can still be maddening and disappointing. It's called “fear of missing out,” or FOMO, and personally I can say that I've decided to ignore those feelings of FOMO on nights when I know I need to stay in. I'm not boring or lame or truly unloved—I’m just not going out on that particular night, and I'm still my same fun self.

If your friends regularly party more than you, FOMO can torment you if you don't accept that lifestyles are as diverse as people themselves. You're not missing out on anything, believe me. If your besties or boyfriend really thought you were a bore, you'd be single and friendless, right? You're not, and they like you exactly the way you are.

To really unlearn a jealous nature, I'd recommend cultivating more self-love and self-confidence. Don't be afraid to like yourself and your lifestyle. Don't call yourself “basic” just because you go to bed early or have a low alcohol tolerance. When your boyfriend leaves the house for a night out, don't tell yourself it's because you're boring him. If you did, he wouldn't be there at all.

Never forget: No one has to like anyone else in modern society, and fake friends usually make themselves known with a quickness. You are worth the time that people spend with you.

Need advice? Email, use our anonymous form, or find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.