AdviceHey, Bonita!

Texts From Exes and Family Strife

What would you say when your ex texts you and says he wants to talk, then tells you it’s his fifth day of sobriety?

I’d say lots of things. I’d start with asking why he wants to talk, and why he wants to talk now as opposed to when we were together and trying to make it work. I’m sure sobriety has given him some much-needed perspective on your relationship, and that’s why he’s reaching out to you, but be cautious if he begs for your return. Everyone deserves second chances and forgiveness, but let him show you that he’s serious about sobriety and about you before you commit to being A Couple again.

I really want to out my dad, a well-known person in Athens, for molesting me and my sister (his daughters) when we were 2 and 3 years old. She has blackmailed him into money, and I am stuck (for a lot of reasons) living with him, way past the statute of limitations. It’s funny—even if you just printed this, Athens would know who he is. But then I would be homeless. Worth it? He doesn’t read this.

If you’ve taken a step like this one, it’s definitely worth it to you. Apparently just me choosing to run this question is enough to out him, and I’m glad to help you however I can. I can see that you don’t want to be stuck under his roof and beholden to your abuser, even if it was decades ago. It’s bigger than physical molestation—abusers control the actions and minds of their victims, and keeping you at home as an adult is an extension of his control over you.

You don’t have to out him by name publicly, if that’s what makes you nervous. You can just tell him (with your sister or another adult present who can defend you if he gets violent) face to face that you know what he did, it’s not forgiven, and he owes you for it. Move out of his home, and if your sister is blackmailing him for money, get in on it and make him get you an apartment.

You’re right, there’s nothing you can do legally at this point, but you can definitely get out of his house and take your life back. You can cut him out of your life completely if you want. You don’t have to speak to anyone who hurts you, and that includes your parents.

I’m getting married in a few weeks. Currently my entire life revolves around the circus our wedding has turned into. I’m not worried about the actual event. I hired a wedding planner and have a drawer full of Ativan to get me through. My concern is the aftermath. I’m nervous I’ll experience something akin to postpartum depression (post-wedding slump?). Is this an actual thing? How can I prepare for this? Since all of my free time (and even some work time) over the last year or so has gone into planning this upcoming weekend, it doesn’t seem like feeling grief (not exactly grief but loss of some sort) would be a leap.

What am I going to do with all my spare time?

Not-Quite Wife


You’re gonna bang your new spouse into the mattress. You’re gonna go on some cheesy honeymoon where you try weird food and bang your spouse even more. You’re gonna come back to your shared home, make food, eat it, bang, then watch Netflix. You’re gonna enjoy being cuffed to your best friend, that’s what you’re gonna do. Never in my life have I heard of anyone becoming addicted to being a Bridezilla. You might have that Lindsey Lohan “chaos addiction” that she admitted to during her Oprah interview.

Ask yourself this: What is it about all this hubbub that makes me feel so vibrant and alive? Why am I enjoying this stress so much? It sounds to me like you’re bored with most other aspects of your life; otherwise, I can’t imagine why you’d be sad to not plan a wedding. If it’s the adoration you’re addicted to, be comforted to know that people fawn over newlyweds just as much as they fawn over engaged couples. And wait until you get pregnant—people will never leave you alone.

Need advice? Email, or use our anonymous form. Find Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.


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