AdviceHey, Bonita!

How Do I Light My Fire in My 40s?

I’m a straight woman in my 40s, and I have zero libido. Like, none. And I’m perfectly content with that. But I’ve got an amazing boyfriend who I’ve been exclusive with for several years now. Our life together is otherwise great, but the low frequency of sex has been a stressful point to our relationship.

I enjoy having sex with him, but most nights I’d rather just watch TV or go to sleep. I work multiple jobs, so I’m often exhausted when I get home. Alcohol helps loosen my inhibitions, but I’m not much of a drinker, and there’s a fine line between being drunk and being nauseous. I want make the effort to be physically intimate more often, because it’s important to him, but it’s just a chore to me if I’m not feeling it. What can I do to light my fire?

Not Hot to Trot

Dear Not Trotting (because I’m sure you’re hot),

There are a few reasons why this could be happening. You’re pretty young, but some women do experience hormonal decreases before the official onset of menopause that can directly affect their sex drive. Either your testosterone or estrogen could be waning and taking the pep out of your step. Do you take any prescription medications? Certain anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds are known for decreasing the female libido. There’s also Addyi, the first FDA-approved medication to address libido problems in women. Ask your doctor about it!

But actually, I don’t think you need a pill. It sounds me like it’s exhaustion that’s killing your sex drive. You’re attracted to your partner and you enjoy sex with him when you’re having it, but the challenge seems to be actually getting the ball rolling. Some people scoff at the notion of scheduling sex, but if you have a day off, plan your date night for that evening. Don’t let work stress anywhere near your bedroom, and take a look at your relationship with your job. Do you ever work from home or take calls from work when you’re not there? Stop that, or schedule certain “home office” hours. Work overflows into our homes way too often and takes our attention away from the truly important things.

Do the work to achieve a real work-life separation, and you’ll be surprised at how much extra time you have to live your life, not to mention bang your boo. Good luck.

Hey Bonita,

Can I kick it?


You’re obviously not Q-Tip, but hey, I’ll play along…

No, you can’t kick it. I will kick it to YOU, OK? I will send you a howdy of OK whiskey and refuse to look at photos of your cat. (I will gladly look at photos of your children, nieces or nephews.) I’ll dance with you just a little bit and let you walk me home. I won’t let you in, because I’m celibate until the summer, but we can trade numbers, and I will gladly cook food and hang on porches with you. Me and sex are taking a break for a few months, so the aforementioned would pretty much be the experience of kicking it with Bonita Applebum right now.

I keep hoping to make the Flagpole Athens Power Rankings. Do I have to actually accomplish something to achieve this goal?

Yes, you do. The Flagpole Athens Power Rankings are for acknowledging people who are doing something to generate a usually-positive buzz in this town, whether socially, financially or politically. I’ve been in the power rankings twice, once as Bonita and once as the name on my birth certificate, and both times I’d broached topics that encouraged some fairly intelligent social-media discourse on issues that are close to my heart.

Mothers is a local lady-fronted band riding a wave of buzz to SXSW, so they deservedly made the rankings. SlopFest is a punk rock festival organized by a local cook to benefit a girls’ music camp, so either the fest or its founder makes the Power Rankings pretty much every year. Delene Porter’s new program could be the start to dismantling the payday loan racket in this town, so you’re damned right she made the Power Rankings. What are you doing?

Need advice? Email, or use our anonymous form. Follow Bonita on Twitter: @flagpolebonita.


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