AdviceHey, Bonita!

Should I Change My Body for My Boy?

My boyfriend of almost two years asked me to lose weight about a year ago because he wanted me to be healthier. He also told me that he just wasn’t attracted to me at that weight. Fast forward a year later, and I have lost 20 pounds. I am the skinniest I have ever been and happy with the weight I am at, but my boyfriend still wants me to lose more. (I’m a size 8 now.) I tried explaining that I am having a hard time losing more now that I am in grad school. He says he is more attracted to me and loves me, but we rarely have sex. Should I tell him to back off or should just keep at it? I love him, but I just don’t feel sexy or pretty anymore.

It’s Just a Little Baby Fat

Dearest Baby Phat—which I am going to call you because grown women cannot have baby fat; they have adult bodies, which your boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand or accept—DUMP HIM. Dump him the second you read these words, then continue reading.

Dump him because he is telling you to lose more weight even though your academic schedule is very demanding right now, which shows he doesn’t value your future as much as he values the way you look on his arm. Dump him because he says he’s “more attracted” to you now that you’re thinner, which I find to be a manipulative and controlling use of language.

He’s nudging you towards a disorder by shitting on your self-image while using his love as a bargaining chip, and he’s also down for you screwing up your advanced degree in order to be what he thinks is attractive. (And if he really thought you were attractive, he’d be sleeping with you more.) This isn’t about your health or his love for you; this is about control. He enjoys controlling you.

Take a moment and really think about your relationship with him. Question everything about it, and talk to a trusted friend who doesn’t know him. This guy sounds like a meathead who treats women like trophies, and you can do a zillion times better. Men like him die alone. Let him.

I am a handsome, 35-year-old man, and she is the girl I wished for. We’ve been together a year and a half. When we first met, both of us worked until my summer job ended two months later. She continued working for six months, taking care of bills while I took care of our house and transported her to and from work. If I was sleeping when she left, she would get upset, and I understood.

Like a man with an answered prayer, I landed three jobs in three weeks, and I’m still employed with the third one. I really want to marry my love, and so does she, but now the tables have turned, and she sleeps when I leave for work. I get upset and become the bad guy. Being 22 years old, she should understand my feelings, and I should be mature. Bonita, how do I act and not react? I’m pushing her away, and I don’t want to. I made her cry before I noticed she loved me.

She’s too young for you. Don’t get me wrong: I’m into May-December romances, but only when both people are securely into adulthood. Only someone who is four years out of high school would expect her boo to fight off sleep just to send her off to work. You obviously saw how silly her demand was, but you heeded it, and now you’re being immature in return because you had to do a really dumb and inconvenient thing.

Honestly? This is is a fake problem. You don’t love each other any less when you’re sleeping, right? This reminds me of when an old college friend would fall apart if her boyfriend didn’t send her a “good morning” text first thing in the morning and a “goodnight” text in the evening. Let your sleep schedules be what they are, and get ready for real problems, like accidental pregnancy or buying a home. I mean this with respect: This is an incredibly dumb thing to fight over in a relationship.

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