AdviceHey, Bonita!

She’s Cheating. Do I Tell Him?

Dear Bonita,

I saw a married friend of mine drunkenly making out with someone who is not her husband in a crowded downtown bar. Both husband and wife are friends, and seeing this happen so overtly is troubling. Nothing leads me to believe this would be acceptable behavior (not an open marriage). I’m conflicted as to whether I should mind my own damn business, tell her how inappropriate this is and to knock it off or somehow let the husband know what I and a bunch of other people saw.

Can’t Unsee What I’ve Seen

Before I moved to Athens, I was once out running in my former Metropolis, and I passed a couple making out at a bus stop. I ignored it, initially, but then I realized that one of them was my roommate’s long-term partner. Roomie was getting ready to go on a really long tour with his band, so I wasn’t sure what the state of their relationship was, but over the next few days, it became evident that they were still very much together and monogamous. It also became evident that the person his partner was smooching was my roomie’s best friend of many years, and both the friend and the partner would be left here while roomie was off rockin’ and rollin’.

Once roomie left, I saw his partner and his best friend out drinking and canoodling, romantically smooching on an empty patio, and that was enough for me. I made a fake email address and told my roomie that his partner and his best friend were having an affair. I immediately deleted the email address so that any emails would bounce back to the sender. Roomie came back to the U.S. and dumped both of their asses, and he is ridiculously happy and successful now without the dead weight of a cheating partner and lying best friend.

I am not monogamous, but I have no respect for people who disrespect agreements with their partners, no matter the relationship style. I’m not worried about her feelings or the fallout that this could cause for her. Drunk or not, she chose to dishonor her monogamous agreement with her husband in plain view of the public. Honestly, I’m wondering if he already knows. Snitch her out, but do it anonymously. This will put the truth in the air, and it’ll keep the drama away from you and yours.

Do white liberals in this town give a fuck about black people? I can’t tell.

White liberals love black culture but not black people. If they loved black people the way they love our music and our fashion and our hair and our cuisine and our asses, maybe #alllivesmatter wouldn’t be a stupid thing happening. Right now, we live in a time where white people are very visible and public with their love of multiculturalism, but I see it as a facade, unless they are regularly questioning themselves and using their privilege to make our world better.

Quoting Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie isn’t gonna get you any brownie points with me if you’ve never actually read her work. Don’t tell me about your ethnic boyfriend if that’s the only pertinent information you’re gonna share about him. Stop just sleeping with women of color and actually date us, OK? It is objectifying and tokenizing to only find us beautiful and exotic.

Dear white people: One of the best ways that you can be an ally to ethnic peoples is to be humble and accept that you still have learning to do. I have plenty of white friends who swear up and down that they #staywoke, but prove that’s hardly the case when they open their mouths or update Facebook. America is not post-racial, white privilege is very real, and you benefit from it daily. These are facts that must be accepted if you’re going to be the ally you want to be. Listen with humility to your friends of color, read more words about racism written by people of color, and—this is a little complicated—don’t take everything personally, but understand that you need this knowledge and will benefit from it.

Need advice? Email, or use our anonymous form.


  • Perspective on Juneteenth

    This isn’t about a personal conflict or problem—I’m seeking advice from a POC point of view about how complex celebrating and recognizing Juneteenth seems to be. I’m really proud...
  • On-and-Off Relationship Worries

    At what point do you just call it quits in an on-and-off relationship? My partner and I have been together for almost five and a half years altogether. In...
  • Dealing With An Unresolved Violation

    Hi Bonita, I’m having a hard time figuring out what’s worth speaking on and what’s better off silently moving on from. About five years ago, I had a weird...
  • My Roommate Expects Too Much

    Hey Bonita, To set the scene for this: My female roommate and I have lived together the past two years of college and have one more year to go....