My boyfriend lives in another state. We met a year ago, fell head over heels for each other and have had a great relationship ever since. We visit as often as we can, talk on the phone every day and generally get along very well. There is one problem, though. I have a co-worker who is a very good friend of mine, and my boyfriend hates him. Granted, this co-worker has said that he really likes me and that if I were single he would ask me out, etc. But I told him I wouldn’t date him because he’s not my type. This is not meant in an insulting way at all, but I want him to understand that I don’t go for jocks as boyfriends. He and I have a great time together in the same way that I have fun with all of my other friends, and I am not in the least bit attracted to him. He knows some of my exes, and he knows I am not kidding. I just don’t date guys like him, end of story. So, he stopped flirting and telling me he wishes I was single and all that. But my boyfriend still has an irrational jealousy of this guy. They have met before, and my co-worker was nice to him, and it didn’t matter. He gets furious whenever I tell him I am hanging out with my co-worker. I don’t understand why he feels so threatened, and I tell him all the time that he’s being silly. We still end up in an argument about it every time, and I am just getting sick of it.My boyfriend will be moving here in a few months, and in the meantime I have started lying to him when I go out with this co-worker. I know it’s wrong, but I hate being treated with so much suspicion, and I don’t want to fight with him anymore. We don’t get to see each other often enough as it is, and I don’t want to waste time when we do by fighting with him or feeling like I have to justify my choice of friends. I am also worried about what will happen when he is here. I do not intend to end this friendship, but I think if my boyfriend were here he wouldn’t worry so much. What do you think?
The problem here, Sneaky, is that you’re lying. I know you think this is a little white lie, repeatedly told in order to keep the peace, but how exactly do you see this playing out once your boyfriend is actually here? Will you ditch your good friend because you have better things to do/stricter rules to live by? Or will you allow your boyfriend to move in with you under the guise that everything is great between you and you have nothing to hide, and attempt to deal with the fallout when he finds out you’ve been lying to him? Either way, you are going to have to ruin somebody’s day.You have to deal with the reality of this situation now, before things get any more convoluted. One option is that you cut loose your co-worker. Question: Do you really think he’s over it and he has gotten the message that yours is a platonic relationship, end of story? Is he OK with this, or are you leading him on? Is he waiting for your boyfriend to blow it so he can make his move and win you over? Would it be more humane to just walk away? Are you sure you’re not fooling yourself into thinking things are fine the way they are? The other option is that you come clean with your boyfriend and tell him that you are friends with this guy and that he can either deal with that reality and trust you and accept it even though he doesn’t approve, or he can end your relationship and save both of you the time and trouble of moving in together and then breaking up in a spectacularly painful and expensive fashion. I guess the bottom line is that you have to prioritize the relationships and then decide.
I’m just now reentering the dating scene after six to seven years of being single. I’m trying out online dating, and I think I’ve found a lady I like. We started talking about two weeks ago, have many things in common, and, so far, I think we’ve been able to make each other laugh a little. I really don’t know how to proceed. I’d like to meet up, but I think I may have sabotaged things; I had suggested I wanted to meet in my third message, then later the same day thought I might be taking things too fast and messaged her that I didn’t want to mess things up. She appeared to share the same sentiment, and we’ve been talking from there. So, now I’m in a quandary: Where do I go from here? I’d like to meet/date her, but I don’t want to force the issue and cause her to bolt, or worse, get put in the “friend zone.” How should I play this? Confidently declare my admiration for her and ask to see her? Wait and see?
Jumping Back in the Pool
I assume that when you “met” this lady over the Internet, it was through an actual dating site, right? And you were asked a series of questions when you signed up, one of which was along the lines of “What are you here for?” The answers to those types of questions on those sites usually range from friends and networking to dating, relationships and casual sex. So, you said you were looking for women to date and her name came up, right? Which means she is also looking to date. It’s time for y’all to take the next step and meet in person.
I have been with my girlfriend for a couple of years. We have talked marriage (as much as two women in a state that doesn’t recognize gay marriage can talk about it), kids and have lived together for over a year already. Things are lovely, or at least they were until a couple months ago. My girlfriend’s parents live in another state. They are fine with our relationship and have always been welcoming to me, but they are pretty uptight people otherwise. A couple months ago, her mom got really sick. The outlook is not great, so my girlfriend decided to move home to help out and basically do whatever she can.
At the time, we were both in a rut and had just decided to move from where we were and try something new. She went home to assess the situation and figure out what to do, and I put most of our stuff in storage and came back here where we both met. I have been staying with friends and my family, and I was going to go where she is for the time being. The thing is, I haven’t been able to find a job that I want where she is. I am very specialized, and there just aren’t opportunities for me to grow there. In the meantime, another friend of mine is moving, and she wants me to come with her somewhere else. (Sorry I am being so vague, but I would prefer to be anonymous.) Her mom is in my field and has a couple of leads already on potential jobs for me, but she lives in the opposite direction from my girlfriend and her parents.
I really want to be there for my girlfriend, Jyl, but I can’t imagine going back to waiting tables or working retail again. Her parents are nice enough, but they are very intense, and I don’t think I can be around them that much, especially under the circumstances. In the meantime, this long-distance thing is very hard on our relationship. What should I do?
Not Florence Nightingale
You can’t imagine working a crappy job again—really? You know what I can’t imagine (thank the gods)? Taking care of my mom while she dies, and having my significant other back at home hemming and hawing while every day is more and more difficult for me—having to rely on the phone to talk to them, rather than having their shoulder to cry on, not because they have a career or because they are taking care of our kids and our house, but because they aren’t sure that they want to deal with my awful situation. Surely, your girlfriend doesn’t expect you to spend your days at her mother’s bedside. If you intend to marry someone, then I assume that means the whole exchanging of rings and vows (you may have to go to another state, but it can be done). You are perhaps familiar with “in sickness and in health”? Do you think maybe that might extend to family? Don’t be such a selfish twunt, NoFlo. If you really love her, then shut your mouth, pack your stuff and get your ass there. Take a crappy job and be there for her. Not for her mom, or her dad, or the rest of her family. Be there so that at the end of each day, when she is through dealing with what will hopefully be the most painful thing she ever has to do, she can come home to you and you can give her some comfort. If you don’t think you can do that, NoFlo, then I don’t think you are ready for marriage, and I don’t think you deserve it.
Like what you just read? Support Flagpole by making a donation today. Every dollar you give helps fund our ongoing mission to provide Athens with quality, independent journalism.