Advicereality check

Reality Check

Short version: My husband gets on my nerves. Longer version: I love him to death. I have been with him nearly a decade, and even though I’m mad or frustrated at him a lot, I always find myself calling him when we’re apart… BUT… 
I just feel like he isn’t pulling his weight, and he expects me to pick up
all the slack.

He puts his own hobbies before housework… He doesn’t clean up
 after himself… He spends his money on his hobbies and such instead of his 
part of the bills. We split our bills down the middle, and it seems to work 
better than when we shared an account and he would spend all our money. I
 will say he pays me his half of the bills, but it takes FOREVER… He ends up
 paying one month’s bills all off around the first or second week of the NEXT
 month, and I’m the one who has to cover his half until he pays.

I wouldn’t be so upset about it if I didn’t constantly see him blow his money on beer and his other hobbies and stuff; it makes me feel used. Hell, the end of last year he was only working 20 hours a week and didn’t want to get more hours, so I 
had to take on TWO full-time jobs, working over 100 hours a week, just to pick
 up all the extra slack, and still had to do my half of the chores.
 He also claims that the house is clean enough “for his standards” and that
 it’s my fault that I’m upset, and I need to “relax.” I was raised that dishes 
were done each night and laundry didn’t pile up on the bed days at a time. He 
doesn’t agree, and brings up the fact that our other friends’ houses are much
 messier than ours. Though that is true, I don’t want to lower my standards 
just for him and live in filth. Seriously, is doing about 15–30 minutes of 
chores a day too much to ask? 
I guess what I’m asking is, am I really a control freak that is dooming our
 marriage with unreal expectations? If not, is there any way to make him see
how important it is to pay bills on time and clean the house? I’m at my wit’s
 end, and whenever he is in my presence, I resent him and have to hold back all
 I can to not knock him over the head with a blunt object…

Tidy, Controlling, Money-Managing Wife

RealityCheckBig.jpgOf course, you miss him when you’re away. When you’re somewhere else, you get to deal with his voice and his personality, without all of his shit habits and selfish behavior. So, you’ve been putting up with this for almost 10 years, and yet you are writing to me about whether or not you are “dooming” your marriage? Wow. The thing is, no matter how much you complain, you still do whatever needs to be done to get the bills paid and the chores done, and he still does whatever he wants. If there are no consequences for him, then he has no incentive to change.

Y’all need to have a serious “come to Jesus” about this straightaway. Tell him you really need him to change or you are going to leave. Now, I’m not suggesting that he should do a complete 180 and just get with your preferred program, but meeting somewhere in the middle is a good start. Maybe he can pay all of his bills by a certain day of each month? Or hand over a portion of each paycheck to you before he spends money and beer and hobbies? And stay employed full-time? Come to an agreement about the housework. You shouldn’t have to do it all, but neither should he have to do dishes immediately after dinner because that’s how your parents did it.

Compromise is where it’s at. Right now, he’s not even trying.

I met a person last year. At first, things seemed good, with amazing words
 exchanged and a connection. Embarrassingly, I started to believe I loved them. 
There is a very large distance between them and myself, living many hours 
apart. I didn’t feel it was a problem and they seemed not to, either. I liked
 having my space. But then something changed, and they started acting cold,
 almost mean towards me. They were unwilling to explain what caused this, while
 still encouraging me to continue on as I have: expressing my affection for
 them, setting aside time for them, even though it only resulted in them
 “forgetting” or “being too busy” and so on.

I was rather sick for a few weeks, and they expressed concern, but when I explained I was still sick, they just disappeared without offering any compassion, just stating they became busy with other things. I then came to find that they had begun a relationship with a person who lives in their direct area. But they chose to not say anything to me about this and continued to say that I was not giving them time to explain what created this change.

I’m between really heartbroken and angry. I can’t say I’m surprised. I already 
knew they were a questionable person: they did tell me of previous experiences
 that I would define as them sexually exploiting and manipulating other
 persons, that they down-play as being a small, petty, social misunderstanding,
 and their friends and social community also just let that slide, as well. But I
 didn’t take that opportunity to distance myself when they told me of that, or 
point out what I thought of their actions, so that’s why I shouldn’t be surprised.

I know that I have a long history of making bad relationship choices; this one 
not being any different. But is it only weakness and insecurity to still want 
to be with this person? Well, I guess that is “yes.” Is it hoping for too much to
 want them to at least admit to me what they had done and be accountable for 
their actions? Maybe that is. How do I do stop being that person who ends up
 in these types of relationships? I knew that they were a horrible person, but
 still I really wanted to be with them.

RealityCheckBig.jpgYou’ve answered most of your own questions here, Anonymous. The only one left is how to stop. All I can say about that is that you need to start thinking in terms of self-preservation. Do you hate yourself? Do you feel that you deserve to be treated like this? If so, then get help. Get some counseling and figure out why you feel this way and try to get better.

Is this just a matter of physical attraction overcoming your better judgment? Then think about how you would react to this person if you were only seeking friendship. You wouldn’t want to be friends with a person who treated others poorly and bragged about it, would you? Well then you certainly shouldn’t be sleeping with them. Maybe that’s the rule? Friends first. Or how about: Would you let this person date your best friend? One way or another, you have to hold potential partners to a higher standard.