Advicereality check

Reality Check

I have been in a serious relationship with my partner for over two years now. Other than the fact that she’s not as physically romantic as I would like, things are great. The problem is that I’m a grad student and I’ve developed this ridiculous attraction to one of the professors in my department. It’s gotten so bad that I can barely speak when she’s around. I think she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and I can’t help thinking about her constantly. I’ve felt this way about her for over six months now. I truly love my girlfriend and would never cheat on her by acting on these feelings, but I can’t seem to get rid of them, no matter how hard I try. I feel intensely guilty for my crush.

What can I do?

Girl Seeking (to Forget) Girl

Don’t try to beat back the crush, and don’t beat yourself up about it. No matter how in love you are, or how attracted you are to the person you are with, it is still possible for crushes to happen. You give no indication that your professor is aware of your feelings, which is great—keep it that way. You have already said that you have no intention of acting on your crush. So, maybe just try to enjoy it? A little, harmless lust rush isn’t going to hurt you, and as long as you don’t tell your girlfriend, it isn’t going to hurt her either.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about seven months.  When we first started dating, it was long distance, and that worked for both of us.  Over the summer, I was able to move closer to him for school.  Now I’m in school, I do research and I have a part-time job.  Needless to say, my free time isn’t what it was a few months ago.  Lately, things have been quite rocky with my boyfriend.  He gets his feelings hurt a lot, and I honestly don’t know what I’m doing.  A few weeks ago when he got his feelings hurt, he said that I didn’t suggest things he would like doing or take enough interest in his interests.  Since then, I have been trying to suggest things he likes and pay more attention to things he likes.  Now he is saying he wants the exact opposite of that and for me to just be myself and for us to hang out and just have fun.

This has been going on for about a month now, and I’m getting so frustrated and depressed that I just don’t know what to do.  I really like the guy, but this is starting to feel ridiculous.  I’ve tried asking him what his emotional needs are and I’ve tried not asking.  I’ve tried just hanging out and I’ve tried making sure that when we hang out, we do things he likes.  No matter what I do, he gets his feelings hurt about something.  It’s getting to the point where I don’t look forward to getting together with him anymore because I’m worried that something I’m going to do is going to upset him. Do you have any advice on getting this guy to communicate what is really going on with him?


No Good Options

The only thing you can do is be honest. You have to tell him what you told me: that you are getting frustrated, that you don’t know what to do and that you are starting to dread (maybe don’t use the word “dread†exactly, but convey it) getting together because you feel like you can’t do anything right. Tell him that you need him to be completely honest with you or you can’t continue to put effort into this relationship. Do this in person, and do it soon.

I’m sure that you probably already know this thing is over, but it seems like you would like to make absolutely sure and certain; so do. If you are looking for permission to end it without even bothering to have the conversation, I will happily grant it. Long-distance relationships are hard enough even with confident people who have good communication skills. With an incommunicative (and seemingly insecure) partner, they’re just a waste of time and energy, and you don’t have enough of either of those things to bother.

I don’t know how to get through to my husband. He is a wonderful guy, very supportive, works hard, loves me so much, he’s great. But getting him to do anything around the house is impossible! I can get him to wash laundry when he runs completely out of clothes. If I ask him to clean up after dinner, he just sticks the uncovered pot in the fridge! He cleaned the bathroom a few weeks ago, and we discovered it was the first time in our relationship he had ever done that.

For a while, I was unemployed, so it made sense for me to do all the housework. Now I’m working just as much and I’m sick of using all my free time on housework while he gets to spend all his on videogames! I have tried talking to him about it many times, but all I get are excuses or empty promises. If I push it, we have a huge fight and nothing changes. I’ve tried bribes and charts, and nothing works. I’m not asking for a spotless apartment, just that he help me with what I’m already doing every day.

Jyl, he is a fantastic guy, and I love him to pieces, but this has been an issue for years and I’m reaching the end of my patience.  Am I over reacting? What, if anything, can I do?

Thanks for your advice,

The Maid

Make him hire an actual maid. There are plenty of house cleaning services online. Tell him to hire one, give him a deadline and make sure they can come while he is home and you aren’t. Then tell him that he has to pay for it, because you shouldn’t have to. I know you are married, and you probably share bills, but make sure the money comes out of his video game/beer/whatever-he-spends-money-on-that-you-don’t fund. You are not overreacting, and it isn’t fair. If you are unemployed that’s one thing, but if you are both working, then you should both be sharing in the housework. He clearly doesn’t understand how important this is to you, and if he does, then he doesn’t care. Maybe this will help him understand that you really mean it. It would be a shame for an otherwise great marriage to end over something that seems so simple, but it wouldn’t be the first time. Good luck.