Advicereality check

Reality Check

I am having a very hard time going out with friends. Both my male and
female friends play a game where they pretend that they will go home
with someone at the end of the night and then give them the shaft just
before we all leave. I tried to play it off as immature and hoped it
would pass, but they are pressuring me to do the same thing. I am not a
prude, but I do not think it is respectful to do this to other people.
Not only do I want them to stop encouraging me to do this, I want them
to stop as well. I think it makes all of us look bad, and other than this
weird game, they really aren’t bad people.

Respectful Guy

This “game†of theirs is not only disrespectful, it’s stupid. What is the point? Rather than just having fun together, you add a bunch of unsuspecting strangers to the mix just to shit on them after a couple hours? I am going to have to take you at your word that they are otherwise good people, RG, because your friends sound like a bunch of assholes to me. Don’t cave to the peer pressure. Find better friends.

My boyfriend has a small group of friends whom he depends on for everything. Not because they are such great people, but because he already knows them and doesn’t feel like he makes friends easily. The problem is that they are into some very upsetting, and illegal, activities, and though he doesn’t participate, he is still a part of this.

They also have an incestuous habit of dating, or having sex with, the members of this friendship circle and everyone becoming emotionally distraught over it. They have even pulled me into such behavior in the past, but I quickly separated myself from all of them.

The whole thing is very childish and strange, and my boyfriend doesn’t seem to see that. Whenever I suggest that he make new friends or try out new things, he
claims that I’m being controlling and trying to separate him from very important relationships.

I don’t want our relationship to be put under anymore strain because of their drama, and worse, I don’t want to have to bail him out of jail for being an accessory! I don’t want to end our relationship because it is bigger than his very criminal and very childish friends, but I can not handle the stress this has put me under. I feel like I am constantly worrying and that whenever I say, “It’s his
problem; he’ll handle it,” things only get worse.

Lacking Patience and Bail Money

You have already done the only things you can do to change this situation, LP, and things are not changing. You can’t stay with him and hope for the best. I know you really like him, and I know that you think that he is “different†than they are, but you have already pointed out that the cops are probably not going to see it that way. This is not his family. He has a choice here, and he is making a bad one. The only thing you can do is choose not to stay. It will be hard at first, but once you are clear of this situation, you won’t even be able to imagine what you were thinking. Get out now before it gets any worse.

My partner and I accidentally switched phones the other day (same phone,
same case), and I regrettably snooped through [his/her] communications with
others. I found a long series of emails degrading me and making fun of
me between my partner and someone whom my partner and I both had sexual
relations with at the time when we decided to close our relationship and
be monogamous. This person was the last person either one of us has been
intimate with other than each other, and it was my idea to close the
relationship, which this third party did not understand.

Now that I know that my partner and the third party had this back and forth of
humiliating commentary about me, I am jealous and don’t know what to do.
I can’t mention it because that would admit to my snooping and I do not
want to be known as the partner who snooped. I feel like my reasons for
snooping were valid. I was worried about this kind of thing since we closed the relationship, but I don’t see how I can move past it when my partner says that [he/she] has only had nice things to say about me to our former sexual partner. Please tell me how to deal with the jealousy and guilt.

3’s a Crowd

Your partner is a liar and an asshole, 3AC. It doesn’t matter how you found out. The fact is that s/he is saying terrible things about you behind your back to a person whom you both slept with. I hope you realize that in addition to disrespecting you and your relationship, s/he is probably still sleeping with this third party. It is unfortunate that you trusted both of these people so much and opened yourself up to them, but what’s done is done. They suck, they deserve each other, and you deserve better. Get. Out. Now. Right now. No explanation is needed, 3AC, since I am sure your partner realized that you had switched phones around the same time you did. S/he must have known that this was a strong possibility.

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF APOLOGIES: A lot of letters were lost in the Internet ether over the last couple of months. They are back now, and I will get to them ASAP. If you have written and have not gotten your letter answered, please be patient. Thanks!