Advicereality check

Reality Check

OK, here’s the deal. I’m a nearly 30-year-old male with severe social awkwardness caused by a neurological disorder. Effectively, I don’t pick up on facial expressions, body language, subtle verbal hints or clues, which in dating function as red and green lights. I push forward when it’s hopeless; I shy away when the person behind me is blaring their horn telling me it’s green.

As you can imagine, I don’t have much (heh) success. Girls tend to immediately avoid me, or if they spend time around me, come to view me as a brother or cousin. I’m never “dating material.” The problem is, I often don’t catch onto this, and I push forward thinking that they are spending time with me because they are interested. I then tend to get accused of being a creep… or being too forward, and I lose out on what could have at least been a friend, even if nothing else. 

This has happened several times in the last six months, to the point where it is now beginning to tell on me emotionally. Getting rejected is part of life, but when you are accused of something that you aren’t doing, or aren’t aware that you are doing… it hurts a lot more. 

I don’t think my standards are too high. I don’t have a problem with a lady with a few extra pounds, and I try to keep in the best shape I can. I drive, I have income, I’m a student, but because most of my interests are introverted and geeky, it’s really difficult to meet women. 
I’ve tried the whole online dating thing, and I’ve found that it’s such a loaded game (average 10-1 male-to-female ratio) that you hardly get any replies, and when you do, they always seem to only want you to be “new friends.” 

So, at this point I’m just not sure what to do anymore. Obviously, if I’m low enough to be writing this, I’ve got a serious problem. But I think I need a new perspective in order to try and see my way clear of it.

The only thing a guy in your position can do is be totally honest with women that you interact with and hope for the best. The good news is that nerdy is pretty cool at the moment, and a lot more girls are into gaming and whatnot than ever before. Since you said that you have had several problems in the past six months, I gather that you have no trouble finding women to hang out with. Great, that’s the first big hurdle. Now you’re going to have to find a way to tell them about your problem. I think bringing it up in conversation early on is the best way.

When you get to the stage of getting to know somebody where you start talking about your family dynamics and your past relationships, that would be the time to bring it up. Explain it the way you explained it to me in your letter, and be honest about the toll it has taken on your personal life in the past. Tell the women you meet that you know it sounds weird but that telling them up front is easier than letting things actually get weird. And then just tell them that you need to have things spelled out. Easier said than done? Sure. But what else are you going to do? You may scare a few of them off right away, but those ones wouldn’t have worked out anyway. The ones that are willing to work a bit harder are the ones that are worth your time. Good luck.

So… my boyfriend and I have moved to a new city. Things are great, we are having fun and making friends, and our relationship is better than ever. We still keep in touch with old friends, but the life we are building here is more about “us†than about “me†and “him,†if you know what I mean. Things are great. But I just got a Facebook message from an old friend of mine who is coming through town. His band is playing, and I would love to go see them. My boyfriend doesn’t really know this friend very well. He knows ABOUT him, but they have only met once, at another show, back when we lived there.

The thing is that this friend and I have had a couple of flings. We never got serious, and we have always stayed friends, but over the years, at different times when we were both single, we hooked up. It was not a big deal, and neither of us ever felt weird about it or anything. But now I feel like I maybe should have told my boyfriend. I don’t know why, but I just feel guilty about it. And I really want to let my friend and his band stay with us, and my boyfriend already offered to let them. But something in the back of my mind makes me feel bad. I don’t want our new awesome life to be based on a lie. I don’t want to hide anything from him. But I also don’t want to make things awkward. What should I do?

Guilty Conscience

Don’t say ANYTHING. Do you hear me, GC? Keep your fool mouth shut. Unless your boyfriend at some point demanded to know every person you ever slept with and you lied and left this guy off the list, you have nothing to feel guilty about. And even if you did lie, there is no reason to say anything now. Let it go. The only person who will feel better about it is you, and that is just stupid and selfish. There is nothing between you and the guy, and everything between you and your boyfriend, and it seems like your boyfriend is willing to be friends with the guy. So, why ruin it? See the show, let them crash, and wish them well on their journey.