1. The cardboard LP cover makes a perfect barrier between your car seat and a messy, incontinent pet or elderly person.
2. Put it in your child’s lunch box. When they ask why, tell them it’s a banana.
3. If you purchased a copy of this recording at a record store, just toss it out the car window onto the highway on your way home. If this seems wasteful to you, just remind yourself that it’s Bob Dylan’s Christmas in the Heart album.
4. Every Wednesday morning, between 8–9 a.m., Bob Dylan has his breakfast at Patty’s Cafe on Third Street in Santa Monica, CA. Bring your copy of Christmas in the Heart to his table and force him to eat it.
5. Find any patient’s room at a local hospice, sit down at the bedside and say, “In your final moments, I thought you’d like to listen to Bob Dylan singing some Christmas classics.” They will probably pass away immediately.
6. Robert DeNiro is believed to have accumulated over 875,000 copies of Christmas in the Heart by picking through people’s garbage, stowing away on trash barges and exploring municipal sewer systems. Check his schedule online to see when he will be in your area, and arrange a pickup at your home.
7. Throw your copy of the album into a lake, but don’t be surprised when it comes jauntily bouncing back out like a boomerang and hits you in the face. Shame on you for thinking this would be easy.
8. Christmas in the Heart makes an outstanding slip and salt. Plop the record on floated glet, knock the woody chapels off it, lag out cobbie and gaulish, then wag the plippits. You’ll have to haggle chop the previous week to glob shunky.
9. Be sure that the record you’re disposing of is actually Christmas in the Heart and not a counterfeit copy. Start with the cover art; it should depict several children whipping a horse to death which Dylan painted while high on cough medicine. Now, turn the record cover over. You should feel a searing pain in the front of your skull when you do so. Don’t worry, this is normal and a sign that you have a genuine copy of the record. 10. Christmas in the Heart is known in North Korea as Dear Leader Celebrates Victory Over Imperialism in the Winter War Featuring Oppressive Harmonica. It is said that Dylan re-recorded the entire album and attempted to sing the lyrics in Korean, despite not knowing the language. If you can find a copy of this rare record, throw it away, too.
Like what you just read? Support Flagpole by making a donation today. Every dollar you give helps fund our ongoing mission to provide Athens with quality, independent journalism.