POINT: It’s often said that Athens is a blue island in a sea of red. Our island is sinking, but Athens can change that, if only we follow Great Britain’s lead and #axit.
Just think of it: If we #haulath out of Georgia, rather than relying on the state’s inadequate contribution, we could properly fund our public schools. All of the gas-tax money we ship to the Atlanta suburbs for new freeway interchanges could stay right here to pay for sidewalks and bike lanes. In the People’s Republic of Athens-Clarke County, there will be an electric car in every garage and a tofurkey in every pot (as well as pot—legal pot, and lots of it).
We could put Michael Stipe on our money. Heck, since so many people in Athens are such fans of European-style socialism, we could join the EU and switch to the euro.
Don’t worry, though, Dawg fans. The University of Athens will have very reasonable out-of-state tuition rates, so your kids can still spend five years drinking in our bars. We know which side our gluten-free bread is buttered on. We’ll have an open-borders policy, too, so you can still come to the football games. No walls here. Just leave your guns at home.
Of course, this might not fly with the higher-ups in Atlanta. What if Gov. Deal calls in the National Guard? Then we shall fight them on Redneck Beach. We shall fight on Herty Field and in the streets. We shall defend our island with artist-designed beer cans and dank memes, no matter what the cost may be. Vote Leave and Make Athens-Clarke County Great Again.
Watkinsville and Winterville, you’re welcome to come with us. [Blake Aued]
COUNTERPOINT: The clincher would be, of course, the UGA budget. The legislators will think of all that new money they’ll be able to spend on separate-but-equal bathrooms, and they’ll be happy to see us leave.
Blake makes a compelling case for getting out, but it’s so logical that it’s scary. What happens after Independence Day? Once set into motion, where does this revolution end? The agitation will begin immediately for Clarke County to exit. You know damn well that leaders will spring up outside Athens who will exhort the people about how much better things were when they didn’t have to be politically correct. They can make Clarke County great again, free from the sneering dominance of the Athens elites. Clarke County can demand a vote to nullify unification and rejoin the state of Georgia.
Using that same argument, Cobbham will soon want out of Athens. Cobbham has nothing in common with the arriviste Eastside and very little with downtown, except for The National and Ciné, which they’ll claim. Why should Cobbham’s property taxes support the rest of Athens? They’ve just been waiting for this opportunity. Why do you think Bertis Downs spent a year renovating that frame shop? Cobbham City Hall, perhaps?
Well, you know Boulevard will be right behind them. Boulevard and Cobbham have always been allies against Nancy Denson’s Athens, but once Cobbham is out, there’s no way Boulevard will stay in to resist her alone. When they’re out, though, their differences with Cobbham will magnify. Cobbham is older, richer, and their houses are bigger. But cool? That goes to Boulevard. There’s still some funk, although upscale. They’ve got their own neighborhood school. They’ve got Tony Eubanks and bicycles and hybrid vehicles. They’ve got the Boulevard listserv, which will quickly turn against the Cobbham Foundation. Two city-states will evolve, with escalating demands on both sides for building walls between them. Oddly enough, that will solve the problem of Prince Avenue, since nobody will ever cross it again.
Normaltown will fight Cobbham for Athens Regional Medical Center. Buena Vista will leave Normaltown.
Meanwhile, the Eastside has never been Athens. It already has its own wall, the uncrossable Gaines School-Barnett Shoals Corridor. A simple referendum, and Andy Herod goes to work as their new mayor, with plenty of tax revenue from fast-food franchises and their own monetary system based on university retirement deposits.
And of course East Athens will opt out. Building their own wall along the river will help stop the flow of gentrification.
This town will leave Georgia if given the chance, and the centrifugal force will fling off its parts into separate, warring duchies. Sooner or later, though, these proud city-states will tire of the complexities caused by border control, different currencies, unequal beer distribution and all the issues that divide them. That’s when the groundswell of support will grow for some kind of union to solve all these problems—something like, say, Athens-Clarke County. [Pete McCommons]
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