Hey Bonita,
Love your column. I’m a cis-het woman, happily married, but I have a hard time communicating with my husband about things he does sexually. Like, mostly things are good, and I’m satisfied, but he has a couple habits that I’ve called out many times, but he keeps doing them. I’ve tried telling him in the moment, waiting until after sex, then trying to explain calmly why that hurts or doesn’t feel good—I feel like I’ve made reasonable attempts to communicate without shaming him. But for whatever reason—absentmindedness? Selfishness?—he keeps doing these things. Everything else about our relationship and sex life is great, but I am starting to get frustrated and resentful that he can’t change his behavior when I’m telling him very clearly (and kindly, I hope). I’m about to lose my patience, and I worry this will make our sex life and trust worse. What am I missing?
Many thanks,
Frustrated and Chafed
Hey Frustrated,
It’s so tricky to address sexual incompatibilities with a partner in general, but especially with a spouse. There’s a lot of sunk cost at play here—you’ve been with someone for years and have even legally bound yourself to them, but you’re clearly not a match on this particular issue. You even asked what you’re missing, and sweetie, it’s absolutely nothing. This is in no way your fault, and there is nothing you need to do. Sorry, but I do believe that your husband is making a choice to disregard or ignore your requests about your sex life.
I say this because I’ve been there before. I dated a guy who was into something that I definitely wasn’t, and he regularly tried it on me almost every time we had sex.The first time I called him out in the moment and made it clear that this activity was not on the menu, but his behavior didn’t stop. And then he finally did the worst thing he could have possibly done, which was to continue after I called him out on it during our last time in bed together. I dumped him the next time we spoke, and I haven’t looked back since or felt one iota of regret. Your husband is being selfish, and he likely thinks he can steamroll you on this issue for whatever reason, which is just astonishing to me. It is the year 2023, and most men fully understand that they cannot just do whatever they want to a woman’s body, and that no means no.
I think that you should advocate for yourself and your bodily autonomy in bed. You deserve to enjoy sex and not be anxious that he’s going to pull a move that turns you off, like I was all those years ago. I think that you should sit him down during a completely private and unsexy moment—don’t bring it up casually while watching TV, but set aside a time for this conversation, and let him know that you need to speak seriously with him about something that means a lot to you. Make it clear that you want these actions to cease, and remind him that you have spoken to him about this many times before. He may get defensive or try to gaslight you into thinking you’re overreacting, but you’re allowed to assert your right to pleasure and to feel comfortable being intimate with him. Tell him that this is impacting your ability to trust him in bed. I imagine that his pleasure in bed is a given, and yours should be, too. I’m not sure that he means you any harm, but misogyny is systemic, and very often people harm others without even realizing they’re doing so. Do not be afraid to draw a hard line over this—if he won’t stop twisting your nipples, for example, then tell him that he’s no longer allowed to touch your breasts at all. Sounds extreme, but no means no, and his transgressions have the potential to have a much more profound and negative impact on your mental health than it would for him to be denied sex for once.
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