Hey Bonita,
I’m in my late 20s now, and life has gotten really busy really fast as I’ve finally settled into my career job, moved in with my fiancé and am staying pretty active in a local organization. This has all come together over the last year and a half. I don’t make it back to my hometown very often to see family, nothing like I used to anyway.
My dad has never been good at communicating or checking in; if we talk, it’s because I reach out first. He also has a job that requires a lot of travel. Most weekdays he’s in another state and home for the weekends. We haven’t seen each other in about six months, and my stepmom recently made some very nasty comments to me about the fact that I don’t make an effort to see him. To be honest I’ve stopped making a huge effort to make plans with them. Every time we do talk, there’s always a conversation about how busy I am, and that they should come to see me in my town soon and maybe this week or that week would work. Then I hear nothing from them until I reach out again.
The nasty comments really got under my skin, and now I’m feeling like a bad daughter and that I should suck it up. It’s just exhausting to be the person making all the plans and putting in all the effort all the time. How do I even go about fixing this?
Daddy Issues Incoming!
Hey D.I.I.,
You’re the offspring in this equation, and most boomer parents really do expect to be fawned over and exalted by their kids. They really do see it as a sign of disrespect when their kids don’t want to go to their boring hometown (sorry) and do nothing for 72 hours (sorry) in their too-small and too-warm childhood bedroom (dad, I’m so sorry). I live eight hours away from my parents’ house, and there’s no airport within two hours of them, so visiting them always means an eight-hour drive on the most terrifying interstate roads in the Deep South. Just thinking about the trip makes me anxious, but my father expected me to make that drive at least four times a year. Of course, I eventually couldn’t keep up with that, and he didn’t like that one bit. He and I never got past this, and it’s a serious point of frustration and regret that I have now that he’s gone. He truly believed that I should just deal with the fear and the discomfort and the expenses and the danger because I was his child, and that’s what was expected of me. We never found a common ground on the issue, but I truly hope that eventually your dad and stepmom are able to see you as the adult you are and not as a kid who does whatever the parents want. You are a grownup with a life that you enjoy, and they’re welcome to be part of that if they’ll make the effort. I also think that your stepmom should mind her business and let your dad speak for himself.
But I also don’t think you should expect someone with a kid in their late 20s to shift their paradigms around family structure and social norms, so instead let’s focus on where you can effect change yourself. Get your dad and stepmom to put their money where their mouth is: The next time they say that they should visit and that a particular weekend would be perfect, go ahead and book them a hotel room or homestay. Incentivize them to visit by paying for the room yourself if that’s reasonable, or maybe spruce up your spare room in a way that you know would appeal to them. Make a reservation at Last Resort, Porterhouse or another parent-approved and uniquely Athens dining spot. Show them that you’re serious about spending time with them by helping to make it happen on your terms. It’s not enough to just say that they should visit without someone doing at least one thing to actually make it happen.
Need advice? Email [email protected], or use our anonymous online form at flagpole.com/get-advice.
Like what you just read? Support Flagpole by making a donation today. Every dollar you give helps fund our ongoing mission to provide Athens with quality, independent journalism.
