Hey Bonita,
I used to live with my core friend group for several years, but about two years ago we all found different living situations. Some of my friends grouped together; some of us started living with partners. Basically I feel so left out now from any friend get-togethers or activities. We have way too many group chats going on—like who doesn’t—and it’s very obvious now I’ve been left out of the group chats everyone uses to make plans. I wouldn’t even know anything was going on if I didn’t see it all over their IG stories during and after.
I haven’t fallen out with anyone, I’m just not invited and don’t know how I’m supposed to know what’s going on if no one tells me. By the time I see it happening in real time, I’m usually not even available to text them and ask what’s up. There’s a lot of distance now, our friendships feel very weak, and I feel very lonely. I know part of adulting is doing less reckless things with your friends and spending all your time together, but I feel like I’m not even given the chance anymore.
Left Out
Hey Left Out,
I think you should ask the person you’re closest with in this group if they have a separate group chat for get-togethers. Sometimes those kinds of evenings happen organically—you show up downtown, and the people you like best are there—but I think it’s worth asking about it if you’re noticing it happening on a weekly basis or more. You describe that it’s been years since you lived with this crew, which is plenty of time for individual friendships to wax and wane or for lifestyles to change and mature. It seems like these friendships have spanned at least a decade, and people can change a lot in that amount of time. Sometimes that involves realizing that you enjoy socializing with certain members of your crew more than others, and that’s not always a malicious idea on someone’s part.
But you seem suspicious that you’re being purposely excluded, and I think it’s worth investigating in a reasonable manner, but I also believe it’s OK when people grow apart. It’s part of life, and it happens all the time, but it can take a few experiences before you can tell the difference between an organic growing-apart and being ostracized. This is why communication is key in all relationships—platonic, romantic and professional alike.
I get the motivation to cling desperately to the lifestyle and community of your youth. I moved here, I hit the ground running with partying and shows, and I cultivated a community of friends that were invaluable to my quality of life. But now there are times when I take stock of my days, and it seems dreadfully boring compared to the amount of hell I raised when I first got to Athens. It’s only then, when I imagine 2010 Bonita being ashamed of her early bedtime and solo hikes, that the loneliness hits, and I start worrying that my friends don’t like who I’ve become today. That they don’t want to be my friends anymore, and that’s why they don’t text me “LK?” every evening like they did years ago.
This felt horrible when I noticed it all a few years ago, but I know my friends love me as much as I love them, and that we just live differently these days. I know this because I’ve talked to them about it, and I also try my best to spend time with them outside of any kind of party scene. Now THAT is when you find out who your real friends are.
I think it may help to take some initiative on your part, too—what’s stopping YOU from planning a night out with the crew? I know it can feel awkward to do so when you feel like you’re on the outside looking in, but it could be a good way to figure out how you like to socialize these days, and if it jives with what you think you’re missing. Like me, you might realize that you actually enjoy more chilled-out environments.
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