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Hey, Bonita!

Taking Things IRL

Hey Bonita,

I’ve got a habitual problem of falling into online situationships. I’m currently in one making me doubt myself and what I want. The whole thing [has] brought attention to the fact this is repeat behavior for me, and I don’t know why I keep falling for it. It’s easier for me to make friends online, and I keep up with a lot of people online. That’s never seemed to be a problem, but it is when I keep getting involved in pseudo-relationships online. It’s not a catfish situation. I’ve met them in person before, and they live nearby, but basically none of the relationship is happening IRL. We’re very emotionally involved and connected though, like we talk every single day. She always makes excuses about being busy or feeling anxious about hanging out in person. We talk about everything so I don’t know how to make her any more comfortable. How do I turn this into a normal, healthy, real relationship?

Anon.

Hey Anon,

I don’t think you need to look at what’s happening right now as problematic or indicative of some kind of failing on your part. Lots of people thrive in online spaces and forge life-changing relationships over the internet. I met one of my professional references on Livejournal almost 20 years ago. I’ve slept on her floor in Chicago, and Bonita has guested on her sex podcast. I honestly couldn’t count all of the amazing couples I know who met online, whether on an old school BBS forum, a Yahoo! Group (RIP), FetLife or on singles websites like OKCupid. I can think of babies that would not exist if not for Match.com. Love is real, and the people behind all those online profiles are real. You can absolutely get to know the soul of a person through an electronic medium, as if people couldn’t do that back when letter writing was the primary form of long-distance communication. What’s happening right now is definitely unfortunate, but I don’t think these communication issues are inherent to the medium.

There is definitely something your boo isn’t telling you. She’s already met you once but won’t meet you again? Being busy is one thing, but I would ask her specifically what makes her nervous about meeting in person. Perhaps she’s realized her feelings for you are platonic and is nervous about disappointing you, and an in-person meeting would definitely force that conversation to happen, so maybe she’s trying to avoid the inevitable. Some people are just shy about the we-should-be-friends talk, and the internet aspect can add another layer of discomfort for some. 

There’s also something else to consider about online dating: People lie. We can present an idealized version of ourselves in our dating profiles that might be nothing like the person we actually are. You’ve met this person, so you’re definitely not being catfished, but she may certainly be lying about something else that would impact her availability. Maybe she’s not single and is actively cheating on someone, or worse—maybe she’s a teenager who still lives with guardians. Acting super interested online while refusing to meet speaks to a dishonesty of some sort, and it doesn’t have to be something shocking like infidelity or age. Maybe she really is single and into you and possibly even in love with you, but she’s got crippling social anxiety that she hasn’t told you about yet because she doesn’t want to weird you out. Maybe she uses a mobility aid or some kind of orthotic that partners have responded to poorly in the past. Just ask her about her hesitation and where she sees your relationship going, and be direct about it. No need to pussyfoot with matters of the heart. Ask the question you want to ask with all the kindness and respect that you can muster, and hopefully she’ll respect that and respond in kind.

Y’all know me. I also want to tell you not to be afraid to walk away from situationships that aren’t serving you. If she insists that nothing is wrong but continues to vacillate after your heart-to-heart, I’d recommend that you start looking for a partner whose desires and needs more closely align with your own.

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