Hey, Bonita!

Bachelor Party Bummer

Hey Bonita, 

I know this is childish, but my brothers won’t plan a bachelor party for me, and I feel resentful about it. My future wife and I are also about to have a kid. Because of that, I said we can do something small instead and keep it local, to which they agreed. But every time I ask what the plan is, they say they don’t have anything set yet. Then they throw out stupid ideas like “go to a concert in October” (first off, I’m getting married in May, and second, that’s the month I’m having a kid), [or] “go to the movies to see Star Wars re-released.” I like those things, but not for a bachelor party.
I wanted to go to a baseball game, and they said no. I said we could go to the casino, and they said no because they don’t have the money for that. It sucks because one of them has gone to Vegas numerous times for bachelor parties for his friends, and the other one is my best man and couldn’t care less. My wedding is in five weeks, and time has kinda run out because we’re going to be busy leading up to it. I’m thinking of just taking a day by myself and doing something I want to do. But I can’t help but feel really disappointed. What do I do?


Hey Anon,

You’re allowed to feel disappointed by their inaction, and though the pacifist part of me wants to tell you not to take it personally, I also can’t help but agree that the outright refusal to do anything at all doesn’t feel like something you can ignore. These are your brothers, this is your wedding and your baby, and even if they’re not bachelor party-type people, they should still be willing to do something for you. If they’re going to shoot down every idea you have, then they at least need to be coming up with ideas of their own.  

And frankly, that might be the real problem here. You say that they’ve attended bachelor party celebrations before, but it doesn’t sound like they’ve ever truly organized a party themselves.  Party planning and logistics are a skill, and some people are wholly overwhelmed by having to make plans for eight other adults and then ensure that they happen. I’ve been organizing a vacation with some old friends for May, and quickly my sibling and I realized that we were going to have to take the initiative in making reservations and planning group hikes and such. We’re both very organized types, and my anxiety issues make me strongly prefer having a plan, so neither of us feel particularly put-upon to take the lead on these things. We like the excitement of making plans and waiting giddily for them to commence, but some people can’t take the pressure and prefer to fly by the seats of their pants. I can’t imagine that your brothers don’t love you, but maybe they’re just not the party planning type.

I know of some people who have taken the lead in their own bachelor/bachelorette party planning because they want the experience and want to make those memories with their loved ones. I don’t think there’s any harm in suggesting that y’all grab a VRBO in Savannah for a weekend, or maybe you can plan for dinner and a bar in Atlanta. They can come up with the restaurant and bar, but maybe you can offer a little help by just laying the groundwork of a time and place. And never forget that Atlanta is the strip-club capital of the south—pick a restaurant near Magic City, or just go there and get the wings (lemon pepper, dry, all flats).  

You know your brothers best, and can tell if their hand-sitting comes from actual animosity or just not being the types who plan events. I think they might just feel daunted by the task and the enormity of this life change their brother will be experiencing.

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