Dear Bonita,
My husband and I used to have an amazing sex life. No complaints at all about the first decade together. Our sex drives used to be nearly identical, and he’s always had an open mind to try new things and get a little freaky on occasion.
Then quarantine happened, and we both started working primarily from home, and that ruined it, for the most part. We still have sex, but not nearly as much as we used to, and now that I’ve gone back into work full-time, it seems like he’s getting even less interested. I do hope he’s still attracted to me, but I get that being around each other 24 hours a day probably became too much for him.
My real concern is his pornography habit. He has a premium membership to one site (I know this because we share the account, haha) and visits a lot more. We also own DVDs of some artsy adult movies, and few are just good ol’ “flicks.” But I know he’s watching porn without me during the day because I can see the viewing history, and I’m almost positive that he’s getting himself off so much that he doesn’t have any “juice” left to please his wife when she gets home! It’s really frustrating to start smooching and then get into the heavy petting, only to be told that even though he started my car, we aren’t leaving the garage (if you get what I mean). He says he’s too tired or just not interested today, but I’m starting to get sick of hearing it.
I don’t want to make any bad decisions that would damage our marriage, but mama wants to get laid! I feel stupid for being jealous of his right hand. I would appreciate any advice you have because lately, I’ve been feeling like this isn’t going to change, but I love my husband, and I’m happy with being monogamous. I feel like that would be a step too far to fix this situation.
Help!
Hello Help,
This isn’t the first time I’ve had a woman write in about a male partner with flagging interest in intimacy, and often these are signs that a person may not be happy with their current state of relationship affairs. Being unsatisfied isn’t a straight line to divorce or breakups or violating your monogamous agreement, though, and it’s a shame that we assume as much when this happens to us. We’re just so indirect with each other, aren’t we? I wish we could all just say, “Hey honey, I’m depressed because I’ve been working from home for a year and it makes me less horny.” Or maybe, “We do it the same way every time, and I’m getting bored. That boredom is making me lose interest in sex with you, so can we try something new?”
I totally understand why you wanna blame his lack of interest on his porn-watching habits, but I highly doubt that he’s just wearing himself out to the point that your vagina seems dull. He may have discovered a new paraphilia or fetish that he can easily access online, and maybe he worries that it’s too freaky to introduce into your love life just yet. It may be what you suggested: He may just enjoy private time more after working from home with his spouse for a year, and I don’t think that’s inherently a bad thing. I am a sensual and loving person in relationships, but I am at my happiest and most fulfilled when I’m alone.
I want to discourage you from thinking of your husband’s sexuality as something that is owned by you, or that he is obligated to have sex with you just because y’all kissed and touched each others’ butts for a few minutes. Intimacy is something we share with others but owe to no one, even the people whose credit card debt we share. I think y’all need to have a good old heart-to-heart about intimacy and your sex lives, and you should share your concern about the lessening physical intimacy that’s happening. He doesn’t owe you anything, but you deserve to understand why he wants less sex than usual in your monogamous marriage. From there, I hope you two can find a sexier common ground.
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