AdviceHey, Bonita!

Should I Pursue a Casual Fling or a Committed Relationship?

I have had a fling with a guy I met online for the better part of two years now, starting out as a friendship and developing into a salacious flirtation. We finally met right before the pandemic when he took me on vacation with him, and all the sexual tension kind of busted with some really bad timing of crises in his life. Understandably, we did not fool around.

We had planned to do some very dirty things this year, on his side of the country, locally and wherever else we could make an excuse to visit. Needless to say, we have postponed the plans until things are far safer and a vaccine is approved and administered. He is down to do anything I want to do, and that opens up a lot of possibilities to sex-plore.

However, I am a reformed slut these days. My perspective has changed, and I want to settle down and have meaningful, romantic relationships again. My friend and I will not be entering that sort of relationship. I have, however, begun taking my time in getting to know another person and see the potential in them. My friend is aware and is supportive of me dating the new prospect—even if that means my monogamy cuts out our plans.

I struggle with wanting to experience things with this friend versus having more connected sex with a lover. Of course, I can have both eventually, but I think holding out for the former is a blockade to being open to the latter. Part of me thinks I should cancel the tentative plans with the friend. The slut in me wants to experience things before settling down. I know time will tell and things will unfold, but ultimately I fear losing the friendship to lack of copulation. I guess I’m just a confused mess. Help!

Reformed Slut

Hi there, Reformed,

What’s the big difference between these two that makes you believe that you can share your sexual fantasies with one person but not the other? You have some sort of intimate designs for them both, but you’re only presenting in an authentic way with the one who would be a casual lay. Do you see the problem here?

I think you should examine why you don’t see “sex-ploration” as something that can happen within a monogamous relationship. You are assigning certain behaviors to particular lifestyles here by assuming that “very dirty” things cannot and will not happen with a person that you’re committed to, and maybe that’s because you haven’t developed a super sexy rapport yet with your new prospect. You and this not-local friend know how to talk dirty and share your fantasies, and that’s surely a comfort when you feel randy for that other person but worry that sex talk might turn them off. Basically, you’re operating under the assumption that no one will want to commit to a highly sexual person like you, and that’s just not true. We have our best sex with people with whom we are vulnerable and open and people who care enough about mutual pleasure to be present in an unselfish way. Usually, that’s whoever we’re dating. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve had a few legendary one-night stands, but when I think of people in my past who I’d hook up with again, it’s usually someone I trusted enough to do more than just sleep with them.

Breaking off the dirty talk with your friend is probably a good idea. They’re clearly distracting you from the person you wanna cuff up with, who I wouldn’t assume doesn’t wanna talk dirty with you. I think you’ve just gotten very comfortable with having this long-distance friend as a safe, no-commitment outlet for your fantasies and desires, shielding you from the realities of navigating a relationship because they don’t even live here, and they only wanna bang. This local person is the real challenge, and I know that can be intimidating at first. Honor your feelings and ease into it, sure, but you should be talking sex with the person that you’re actually trying to have sex with. You can absolutely have your back blown out in a monogamous relationship. You deserve it!

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