Sigh. Oh Bonita.
I was recently told by an acquaintance that a second mutual acquaintance described me to them as her “best friend.” My relationship with this second acquaintance (referred to hereafter as 2A) is nowhere near what would be described as that of a “best friend.” We only communicate via random text messages, which I keep short. We met in grad school and spent a good bit of time together as classmates working on projects or sharing rides here and there, and we’ve also engaged in some personal disclosure, but again, when I think of my relationships with my actual best friends, my interactions with 2A do not come anywhere close. A little more background: We used to talk a lot more and once could have been thought of as casual friends, but 2A decided that I was “against white people” by the way that I wrote about white privilege on social media, and decided that she no longer wanted to associate with me. She disconnected from me on every platform but only told me why when I emailed her about it. (I actually wrote to you about that, and you kinda tore me a new one for even caring. Ouch!)
In the end, I realized that I didn’t need friends like her, but out of nowhere about a year later, she reached out again asking for resources on white privilege that I’d sent in the past as a reply to her dumping me as a friend, so I obliged with attachments and then directed her to Google. Since then, I’ve tried to end my relationship with her in the same way that I have done in the past with others—ghosting, basically, but it doesn’t work. She doesn’t seem to get the clue. Now she will text me randomly with a sentence or two, or a question. I’ll respond, but only very briefly, and coronavirus has made it very easy for me to turn down offers to meet up. Knowing the background of my previous questions to you about this person, what should I do? Her social situation hasn’t changed; she still lives at home and seems to have no other real connections with others besides her perceived connection with me. I also found out that she is in therapy in the same town that I work in, which makes no sense because she lives over an hour away from here, but now she has a reason to accidentally bump into me. And we are definitely not best friends. What would you do? I don’t wanna get “single white femaled.”
Hey,
I’m sorry for using a harsh tone when responding to your last letter. I get passionate when I see multiple red flags, and I assume that this person’s behavior was setting off crazy klaxons for me. She seems to have far more issues than misunderstanding racism if she’d kick you out of her life for not being a racist, and then turn around and call you her “best friend” after a year of very little interaction. I can’t really put words to the scary feeling it gives me to imagine this person trying to kick you out of her life, only to show back up and act like nothing ever happened. This scariness is also colored by her having therapy appointments that are an hour away from her home, but right down the street from your workplace. This lady seems to have some sort of preoccupation or infatuation with you, and I bet she thinks of your relationship in terms that do not match the reality of things at all.
You need to confront her about the best friend thing. I know that’s daunting, but it’s necessary to have this conversation now before she deludes herself further. Send an email if you’d rather not talk on the phone. I have to admit that it’s pretty hard to tell someone that you don’t want a relationship with them, so you might prefer just blocking her across all platforms of communication. I know you’ve tried ghosting, but you gotta stick to your guns and stop responding to her texts. Send that email, talk through any civil conversation she wants to have about it, and then block her. I don’t want you getting “single white femaled” either.
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