AdviceHey, Bonita!

Are These Bug Bites, or Worse?

I’ve been in my current relationship for a couple of years. My partner sublets an older furnished loft, and I stay over on the weekends so we can be in town. Recently, I’ve noticed that there must be something giving us both bites. We both noticed it and have discussed the possibilities. We love the loft, but we are beginning to wonder what is causing so many tiny bites. If it’s the worst-case scenario, then what? Finding a great place is so difficult and costly to move, etc.

What should we do? I don’t want to hurt her feelings by looking too deeply. I know she would be totally embarrassed if it is the worst-case scenario. I want to be as supportive as possible.

P.S. There are no pets involved.

Desperate Dawg

Yo Dawg,

Calm down! I think I know what you’re getting at when you say “worst-case scenario,” and that’s an STD. Which would be an indication of infidelity, I’m sure, since you two have been together for two years.

This all depends on where these bites originated on your bodies, how they look, if they’re fluid-filled or draining and a host of other indicators of STD versus bug bite. If they showed up originally in your crotch, be afraid. There aren’t many STDs for which symptoms could be interpreted as “bites.” The only one I can think of is pubic lice, and you’d DEFINITELY know if either one of you had those.

You said she lives in an old loft that came furnished. Did she just move in this year? If so, then I bet the place wasn’t properly cleaned between tenants and the former resident left a gift that keeps on giving. It’s also possible that either one of you might have carried something home from wilderness (Been camping recently? Tubing? Anything in the great outdoors?) or a gross friend’s house.

Start with this loft. I would begin by talking to the landlords and finding out if the former tenant had a pet. Hell, it could just be fleas, or maybe bedbugs. (Have either of you traveled recently?) I really think it would be evident if you had crabs or worse.

My husband and I have only been married for three months. It seems like I can’t do anything right. He accuses me of doing things I’m not doing, or he gets upset about the stupidest things. For example, tonight there weren’t any more Cokes left in our room (we bought some earlier today). He said he doesn’t have anything to drink, and he won’t get any out of the car.

He claims I hurt him all the time, but I didn’t do anything, Bonita. I don’t know what to do. I love my husband. He constantly says he is going to leave, and I’d have to explain to my kids what happened. What should I do?

My knee-jerk response is to tell you to put his stuff on the porch right now. What a man-child! Did he live with this parents before you two moved in together? He sounds like a jerk who thinks you should be waiting on him hand and foot because you’re his wife. There were more sodas in the car and he refused to go get one, correct? He chose instead to just bully you about how he “didn’t have anything to drink” because you didn’t foresee his need to consume a crappy beverage, correct?

I’m very disturbed by him using the potential shame of you having to explain your divorce to your children as a way to keep you in line. Saying you “hurt him all the time” with no evidence to that beyond a lack of soda in the room is pure manipulation on his part. This is a person with intense control issues who needs to feel fawned over and victimized, and he gets a kick out of pushing you around.

Talk to him, sure, but don’t bite when he starts acting like you’re tearing him apart for asking for some respect. If he does that, leave him. Tell your kids the truth: Mama met a man and thought he was the one, but it didn’t work out. Happens all the time. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about if you decide to end this relationship.


  • Don’t Guilt Trip Yourself

    Hey Bonita, How do I free myself of guilt? I’m not talking normal, healthy guilt from doing something wrong, just constant people-pleasing guilt: choosing something for myself over...
  • Proof is in the Healing

    I don’t ever want to be seen as petty. And believe me, I had to work to gain that mindset after a lifetime of being the type who doesn’t...
  • Exploring A Sober Sex Life

    Hey Bonita,  Now that I’m a year sober, I’ve had the horrible realization I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed having relations with my partner unless it was drug-fueled fun....
  • Complicated Mixed Signals

    Hey Bonita, I’m a not-out bisexual man who is getting mixed signals from my stylist. He’s very flirty and sweet and handsome, but I have a strong suspicion that’s...