AdviceHey, Bonita!

On Fallings-Out and Selfie-Sharing

Hey Bonita,

I was working on a music project with some friends, but I decided to quit a few months ago, for a few reasons: I wasn’t excited about the stylistic direction of the stuff we were working on, I have another (personal) project I need to put energy into, and the ego of one of the guys was a big turnoff.

He and I were really good friends before all this, and when I quit, he said he was mad at me but he would get over it. It’s been a few months, and I’ve tried to reach out a handful of times, but his responses always seem kind of… flat. We were in this music project for about a year, but we’ve been friends for over 10!

What should I do? Will he get over it? I felt like continuing the project if my heart wasn’t in it was going to do more harm than good in the long run, but it just feels bad all over now.


A Sad Musician Type


That’s a lot of time spent as friends to throw away over a failed artistic endeavor. People put their entire hearts into their creative projects and it doesn’t always work out, and it makes sense that hard feelings would persist after the fact.

Still, you two have been friends for over a decade. So what if you can’t make music together? Sounds to me like he likes a lot of creative control when he’s in a band, a real “frontman” type with a “my way or the highway” approach to dealing with other musicians. He’s blurring the lines between your working relationship and your friendship.

I can see that you really want to salvage your friendship with this guy, and I think you can, since you’ve known each other for so long. Stop it with the casual “so what’s up?” correspondence and reach out to him with a short and concise message asking for a face-to-face conversation. Spill your beans and let him know how his coldness is making you feel. If he loves you and your friendship as much as you clearly do his, he should respond positively.

Dear Bonita,

What does it mean when a boy sends me selfies?

More context would help me answer this better, but I’m glad to speak generally about the politics of photo sharing in our modern age.

You must be a woman, because guys know exactly what’s up when women send selfies: We’re flirting! Duh! Peep these eyes, peep this ass, etc. A good photo can seal the deal most of the time, and most of the social girls I know keep a folder of their best shots to send to potential paramours.

Guys really aren’t known for sending unsolicited photos to women whom they aren’t already dating in some capacity, so you two must be in the beginning of figuring out where you stand with each other. What’s his communication like beyond the selfies? Is he flirting over texts? Does he seek you out when you’re in the same place?

Those questions aside, the selfies speak louder than words. I think he knows where he’d like to stand with you, and that’s not as a friend. He’s flirting with you. He wants you to find him attractive, so he’s sending you pictures of his best side. If you’re feelin’ him, too, go get him!

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