Advicereality check

Reality Check

I have had a casual relationship with two different guys for several months now. I am in my late 20s, I have a job and I’m in a band that tours a lot, so I don’t really find being in a serious relationship realistic most of the time. Both of these guys know that they are not exclusive, but they didn’t know who the other guy was, until last weekend. I was at a party with The Drummer. It was a party for friends of mine who got engaged, and he had met them on a previous occasion, and he wasn’t busy, so it seemed obvious that he would be my date. 

Then, while we were there, my other casual date guy, The Librarian, showed up with another girl. It was totally hilarious to me, and I waited to see if he would acknowledge me before I introduced the guys to each other. We didn’t say anything, obviously (how would you do that anyway, right?), and the girl he was with had no idea. I was there with another guy, so she thought nothing of it, and we all chatted for a few minutes and then parted ways. 

I went on as if nothing was happening, and had a great time at the party. The Drummer was a little uncomfortable at first, but eventually he got over it, and everything was fine. The problem came in the next day when I got a call from The Librarian. It was all, “How could you do that?” and “What were you thinking?” He was mad and hurt and jealous and I apparently ruined his whole night. He told the girl who I was after we left, and it ruined her night, too. I told him I was sorry, and that those were my good friends and I had no idea. I also told him that it was his problem that he decided to tell his date who I was, and that I didn’t ruin his date—he did. He got really mad, and called me a bitch and hung up on me. Later, he dropped off some of my stuff (crammed it between the doors at my house in a bag) that was left at his house. 

Now I’m totally confused. I don’t know what to say, or if I should even say anything. Was I wrong here? I was really not trying to fuck with anyone or hurt anybody’s feelings. I felt like I handled the situation as well as anybody could. I did apologize, but like I said, how could I have known he would be there?

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It sounds like this guy might be more attached to you than you are to him. Of course the situation was awkward, and even if he didn’t find the humor in it, he certainly doesn’t have any reason to be pissed. In fact, it sounds like he ruined his own date over this, which is a bummer. If I were you, I would break it off with him right away. Tell him you’re sorry, that you didn’t mean to hurt him, and walk away. There’s no way this gets better from here.

I have a problem. I work with a smallish group of really nice and fun people. We are all between 25 and 35, very social, and hang out outside work a lot. Basically, it’s a small company that is very much like family. The problem is that I think my boss’s wife is hitting on me. She is great, and super hot, and if she was single, I would ask her out in a heartbeat. But obviously she isn’t, so it’s not even a question. My boss is a great guy and a good friend and mentor. He has helped me advance my career a ton, and I can never repay everything he has done for me. 

So we were all at their house for a cookout last month. She had a few drinks, and she kind of kept brushing up against me and touching my arm when she talked to me. I never gave it a second thought, because I have known them for a couple of years and she has always been friendly. Then she came by the office a couple weeks ago to go to lunch with the boss, and she spent a lot of time with me before she even told him she was there. She bent over my desk, and because of what she was wearing I could (if I wanted to) see all the way down her shirt. She came around behind my desk to “show me” something on my computer, and then she was practically sitting in my lap. 

I am really nervous and uncomfortable around her now, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t really tell her to stop it, because technically, she hasn’t done anything. I even wonder if she is doing it on purpose sometimes, or if this is my imagination. What should I do? Should I say anything? She is like 10 years older than me, and I find her totally intimidating. Please help.


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I find it hard to believe that she isn’t aware of what she is doing. Whether or not she actually intends to do anything is another question, but either way, her flirting sounds pretty over-the-top. If you had a crush on her, I might ask you if this could be wishful thinking, but if you are this uncomfortable, it is obviously a problem. You have to be careful how you handle this, or you might ruin your relationship with your boss, or worse, lose your job. 

I think the best thing is to start by keeping your distance from her and acting completely oblivious. Go out of your way to avoid being alone with her, and the next time she gets behind your desk, get up and move. As long as you don’t show any reaction, she will probably get bored and move on. If not, feel free to write me back. Sorry, that’s all I’ve got. Good luck.

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