My girlfriend and I have been together for two years. About six months ago, she moved back home to Mexico. We met as students, and when she graduated, she had to go home and take care of her family. Her mom can’t work, and her dad died when she was young, and she is the only thing that is really keeping them together right now. The money she makes supports her three younger siblings and her mom. She has a great job, and she makes good money, and she wants me to move there. I have spent enough time there that I know I could get by. She can get me a job. I can live on very little, because I don’t have a lot of debt or expenses. My job here is pretty much bullshit, and I totally don’t care about it at all. The only thing is, if I moved there, I would have to live somewhere else. We wouldn’t have our own place, because she has to stay with her family, and there isn’t any room for me there. I love her family, and I love her town, and I think it might be okay, but I’m also worried about leaving here and not being close to my family and stuff. We are both in our 20s. We are having a really hard time with the separation. I went and visited at New Year’s and everything was great, but I don’t know what to do next. I don’t make a lot of money, and I don’t know when I will be able to visit again. We talk on the phone a lot, and of course Skype and stuff, but I don’t know how to keep this together long distance. Now she is suggesting we see other people. I know she’s right, but I really don’t want that. I think if I say no she will agree—I don’t think she would cheat. But I also don’t want her to be unhappy. What should I do?
It seems like you don’t really have anything tying you down at the moment, right? You’ve got a throw-away job and no house or kids. And you’re young. And living in another country seems like a really great thing to do in your 20s. Why don’t you give it a shot? Couldn’t you get a place that she can come and stay in with you? I mean, maybe a one-bedroom or a roommate situation where she can spend the night? Just because her family is relying on her financially doesn’t mean she has to be there 24/7. Can you make enough money to have your own place? Are you comfortable enough and confident enough with her family and the language and whatnot? You can always come home, you know. If you don’t want to go, and you know she isn’t coming back anytime soon, then you guys should just break up. Long distance relationships can survive, but I don’t see how the two of you can maintain exclusivity without light at the end of that tunnel. Or even why you would want to. It just seems like mutual guaranteed misery.
My ex is my best friend. Or rather, my best friend is my ex. We were friends before we dated, and then we dated, and it was great for about six months and then it all went to hell and we broke up and didn’t speak for a couple weeks. Then we just sort of started calling each other and hanging out again, and pretty soon it was like the relationship (read: “the sex”) never happened. The problem is that now whenever I get interested in another girl, my friend is super critical and always tries to kill any possible romance. She is a really mean and obnoxious drunk, and I have had to make her leave a party at my house for getting belligerent with my other friends. We hang out all the time, talk on the phone every day and text each other and all that. We are super close and incredibly compatible in a platonic way, but I feel like I will never have a girlfriend because of her. I don’t want to lose my best friend, but I don’t want to be a spinster either. What the hell?
It’s Hard Enough Being Gay
You don’t have to choose between your best friend and a sex life, but if you want to have a sex life, you are going to have to figure out how to spend less time with her. If she is going to be jealous—and it does sound like jealousy, although more like friend jealousy than ex- jealousy—then you have to keep her and any potential dates far apart until you have already established a relationship. Just plan time when you can go out and meet people and socialize without her. Regularly. Then when you meet somebody and you’re comfortable and you maybe start to feel like it could be serious, you can let her meet your friend. Treat your bf like that weird racist uncle we all seem to have. “Yeah, this is kind of a pain in the ass, but hey! Part of the package. But you like the rest of the package, right?” Good luck.
CONFIDENTIAL TO HIGH ROAD:
If you have never had a reason to doubt your significant other before, then it is highly unlikely that any of that shit is true. If you let this come between you, the asshole wins. And there is no doubt that the person in question is a total asshole. Now, as to this person suddenly being omnipresent, this is obviously completely by design. Do not try to analyze, and do not—I repeat, DO NOT—engage. Likewise do not lose your shit, let it get under your skin or show any reaction. That’s what they want. In a way, this person is actually stalking you, not your significant other, because they couldn’t get what they wanted from your partner, so now they are trying to make you doubt and then break you up—see how that works? Trying to make eye contact?! Waving at you?! Yikes. Delusional and sad and weird behavior. Stay on that high road. This delusional idiot already has a reputation. And yes, they have friends, and yes, some of those people are your friends, but eventually the mask will slip, and anyone who is not already aware of the crazy will see it for what it is. Difficult? Yes. Impossible? Not even close. Hold your head high, continue to be yourself and continue to have a good relationship. That’s how you beat ’em.
Got a question for Jyl? Ask her.
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