Advicereality check

Reality Check

My best friend of 12 years is getting married next month to a
man who is at least emotionally abusive, controlling and, by her own admission, has a bad temper.  They have been together less than a year, and they originally hooked up when she was on the rebound from a five-year relationship.  She has never introduced me to her fiancé, even though I was recently in the same city for a month.  When I was there I wanted to see my friend, but I didn’t have a car, and her fiancé didn’t allow her to come visit me.  She still calls me her best friend, yet she doesn’t seem to find it strange that she’s marrying someone I’ve never met and who has never wanted to meet me and who forbids her to visit me.

I’ve never really told her my concerns about her fiancé, but I think she knows a little about how I feel about him.  It’s important to her that I attend her wedding, but I don’t want to appear in support of the marriage, and I don’t know if I can be a happy wedding guest.  She lives five hours away, and I would have to borrow my boyfriend’s car and leave him without a car.  Should I go to the wedding?  Should I make an excuse and hope she’ll still be my friend?  Should I tell her the truth about her fiancé and risk losing the friendship completely?


Confused Wedding Invitee

You need to talk to her right now. Get on the phone, tell her you need to see her ASAP. Tell her it is important and it can’t wait. Don’t tell her what it’s about, because she might not come. Make it seem like you need her advice or for her to help you with something—that way she will be less likely to ignore your request. Meet her somewhere halfway if need be, or just drive straight to her house (a much better reason to borrow your boyfriend’s car than a terrifying wedding) and tell her you’re taking her out for lunch, or coffee, or a drink, or whatever. Then, sit her down and tell her that she is missing obvious warning signs about this guy. Be prepared. Have statistics. Have stories. Do whatever you have to that you know will actually get through to her. At very least, see if you can convince her to postpone this wedding. What could possibly be the hurry if they have been together for less than a year?

You haven’t said anything about how the rest of the people in her life are reacting to this guy. Do you think you’re the only one who sees it? Do you think it might be worth talking to somebody else to help back you up? You can’t worry about losing the friendship. This is a person that you refer to as your best friend. If you don’t do something, she will be lost to you anyway. Don’t even worry about the wedding—you probably shouldn’t go to it, regardless. Right now you should focus on trying to stop it instead. Good luck.

I am 22 and I look really young. I mean, I look, like, 12. And I hate it. Every time I go out with my friends, it takes forever for me to get in everywhere because they assume my ID is fake. People at my job don’t take me very seriously because they assume I don’t know what I’m talking about. Customers always want to talk to somebody else, but I’m the one with the most experience! And the new boyfriend? He is 26, and every person in his family whom I have met has remarked about how young I look, like he’s being some kind of pedophile or something! I am frustrated and annoyed, and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Tiny Tina

The only thing you can do is be patient, TT. The people checking our ID are just worried about going to jail, and your boyfriend’s family is probably worried about him going to jail. At work? Just know your shit and explain it very patiently to the customers, as if you were talking to a child. When they ask to speak to somebody else, you can sweetly say, “I’ll be happy to get so and so, but since I have been here longer, I can tell you he/she is going to say exactly the same thing.†People are ignorant, TT, and most of them are not trying to be jerks. There are worse problems to have. Just think of how nice it will be when you’re 40 and you look 32!

I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. My best friend is a woman. We have known each other for 20 years, and she is like a sister to me. We have always been pretty close and helped each other out, given each other advice, etc. So, I am getting married next year and I want her to stand up in the wedding. The problem is I don’t know how to do it. I mean, I can’t exactly ask her to be the best man and then expect her to organize the bachelor party and wear a tux, right? Not that there will be strips clubs and cigars involved, mind you, but still, I don’t see her wanting to hang out with just the guys, and I think putting her on my side in the wedding party would be weird. But then, my lady has all of her friends standing up, and my best friend isn’t friends with them, so I don’t want to force her to participate in the bachelorette and wear matching dresses with a bunch of people she doesn’t know. What should I do? I want to honor our friendship but I am at a loss.

Best Is Not a Man

What about asking her to participate in the ceremony by doing a reading or something? Unless she is shy, or nervous about public speaking, in which case, that would be like punishing her for being such a good friend. Have you asked your bride-to- be? In my experience, the bride more often than not has a plan, or at very least an idea of how every aspect of her wedding should go. I think you should check with her first. Barring that, have you thought about actually asking your friend? I mean, you said she has always given you good advice. Maybe she can think of a way that she can participate that would make sense. Or, hell, maybe you will find out that she is really flattered that you asked, but that she doesn’t need to be recognized in that way, and prefers not to participate. Sorry if I’m not much help, but I’ve found that not getting involved in other people’s wedding plans has served me well over the years.