Advicereality check

Reality Check

I have an odd problem that I hope you can help me with. First, the demographics: I am a female in my 30s. I have been married for a few years to a wonderful man whom I love and value. There is, naturally, a problem. I am almost incapable of becoming aroused. It has never been easy for me to reach orgasm. I have had more than one guy get sick of trying and give up.

My husband is not that way, but I can tell that he is more than a little disappointed at my usual lack of climax. This does not bother me, as 90 percent of the time I cannot reach orgasm during any type of sex, but over the last couple years nothing has worked. Oral sex does nothing for me. I do not get excited with foreplay. It is not that I do not enjoy sex or fooling around, but I no longer get aroused. Masturbating is the only way I am able to climax, and doing so usually takes almost an hour. Who has that kind of time?

I have tried to fantasize. I have looked at various types of pornography (most of which I find unappealing, none of which I find stimulating). Nothing turns me on anymore. I love my husband and I find him attractive. I am not interested in cheating or divorce. Have I just become asexual or gone into some odd form of menopause (33 can at times feel old in this town)? Your thoughts are appreciated.


First things first, Frig: Have you tried toys? If masturbation is the only thing that works but it takes too long, the right vibrator might just be the answer. You can incorporate it into foreplay with your husband, get yourself off, and then jump his bones. There are a million different toys out there, many of them designed by experts. This may be the quickest solution. I’d suggest

Already tried that? OK, then. How long has this been going on? You said “nothing turns me on anymore,†so I’m wondering what used to turn you on? And what has changed? Are you stressed out about anything, aside from your lack of arousal, I mean? The most obvious thing to me is that the longer this drags on, the more it stresses you out and the harder it is to relax, and the less likely you are to get turned on at all. There’s nothing like one’s own brain to ruin everything for the rest of the body.

The other thing to consider is that since it has always been difficult for you to get off, there is possibly a physical issue at play. What you need is an honest evaluation from a trained professional. I highly recommend asking your gynecologist about it. If you aren’t comfortable with that, consider making an appointment at the nearest Planned Parenthood. I know the Bible Belt isn’t very PP friendly, but there are still a few outposts, and it may be easier for you to have this discussion with somebody whom you don’t know, rather than the doctor you see regularly. From my experience, the Planned Parenthood approach to sexuality tends to be very frank and very whole person, rather than just focusing on the genitals. Good luck and keep me posted.

My roommate and I are having a problem. We have been in this apartment since the beginning of the school year last fall. This is a three-bedroom place, and our other roommate left for the summer. She sublet her room to another girl that none of us know. So, this girl moved in last month in the middle of the month. She paid for half of May at that point, and the roommate who left told her that the June rent was due on the fifth. Same with July. The new girl is nice enough, and she is rarely home, which is great.

The problem is that she hasn’t paid her rent for June yet, and she keeps avoiding us. We reminded her on the first, told her we were going to drop off our checks on the third to the landlord, and if she wanted to give us her check we would bring it. She said thanks, but then never gave us one. We dropped ours off. We told her where to drop hers off. She said she would. Now we just got a call from the landlord and he hasn’t been paid. He doesn’t know that there is a subletter here, and we don’t want to tell him. We haven’t seen the girl in almost a week; we think she has been crashing with a new guy we have seen her with downtown.

We called our old roommate and she’s acting like it isn’t her problem, but we are the ones who are going to get screwed if this girl doesn’t pay. What should we do? We don’t want to get our old roommate in trouble because we are all still kind of friends, but we can’t afford to cover her part of the rent, either.

Working Girls

You guys shouldn’t have to deal with this at all. Call your old roommate and tell her to get her ass over there and take care of it. She is the one who let this girl into your house, and she is the one who needs to pay what is actually her share of the rent. You all signed this lease together, and she isn’t holding up her end. Does the new girl suck? Well, yes, and you can corner her and make demands if you want to, but ultimately the old roommate is the one responsible. Tell her that if she doesn’t deal with it immediately, you are going to tell the landlord. Give her a deadline. Then, if she doesn’t handle it, you can tell your landlord the truth about what’s going on and ask his advice. If all three of your names are on the lease and your two portions of the rent are paid, then it’s not really your problem.