I have a roommate situation I hope you can help me with. I have lived in this apartment for over two years. My roommate is a co-worker of mine. She has lived here for eight years, and I am subletting. I am not on the lease, and I don’t have a security deposit down. I recently got a promotion, and I am her boss now. This is awkward enough because she isn’t the best worker in the world, and I am having a hard time with a lot of the people we work with. (They don’t take me seriously because I haven’t worked there as long as they have, plus I’m a young female, and, frankly, they just aren’t very intelligent or mature anyway, so the whole thing is kind of a mess.)
I really like my roommate, don’t get me wrong. We have become pretty good friends and we don’t really fight about anything. When we occasionally get on each other’s nerves we are able to talk it out. We have been there for each other during some pretty intense situations. The problem is that we are very different in general. She is very indecisive and hates change, whereas I am pretty driven and ambitious and I have plans. So anyway, now this has become an actual problem. The HR manager at work told me that I can’t keep living with somebody who is my subordinate. There are other people complaining that I give her special treatment. (I have to admit I give up faster on trying to discipline her, but it isn’t because I like her more, it’s because I know her well enough to know how it won’t work.)
So, I told her I am moving out two weeks ago. I found another place and I have started to move stuff out. I have been trying to help her find another roommate because I know if I don’t I will feel guilty. The other problem is that if she ends up having to move out, I don’t want to have to help her. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with all of my own shit. I have no intention of helping her clean out an attic and a basement full of stuff that she has been hoarding for the last eight years. Also, I am the only one who ever does any housecleaning, so there is no way I am going to do a deep clean for a damn security deposit that isn’t even mine.
She has already screwed up with two potential roommates, because she is so socially inept that she can’t deal with strangers. One of them was willing to sign a lease and give first and last months’ rent and a security deposit, and he had references. She actually heard some stupid rumor about him from a girl that he dated three years ago and then had the nerve to ask him about it. So, of course, he got pissed and now he isn’t moving in. The other person is a co-worker of ours who she knows really well, but now she says that girl’s boyfriend is too loud and she doesn’t want to deal with him. I am at the end of my rope. I can’t keep worrying about this, but I also don’t want to get stuck helping her move. What should I do?
Outta There
You should move your stuff, pay your final bills, wish her luck and get the fuck out. This woman is not your problem. Her house is not your problem, her crap is not your problem, and her lack of motivation is not your problem. You gave her some notice, you tried to help her get your replacement, and you are legally not on the hook for anything. Don’t let your guilt get the best of you. She was able to get by without you for six years, and she will be able to get by without you from here on out. Not your fault, not your problem. Don’t look back.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. We both just finished grad school. Things are great. We are totally in love. She just got a job in another state, and now we don’t know what to do. The thing is, we don’t live together now. We hadn’t really gotten to the point of talking about that yet, and before you accuse me of being a commitment-phobe or anything, she didn’t want it either. We have both been very busy with school and jobs, and we both value our independence. It was something that we talked about doing at some point, but neither of us is in a real hurry. Also, we are both kind of OCD, possibly to the point of control-freakish. Our styles are not polar opposite, but they’re not exactly the same either. So, we have been very happy as things are.
Now the problem is that she got this great job offer, and as much as we are happy with each other and into the relationship, we don’t know if we are ready to live together. And I don’t have a job offer. And my field is considerably harder to find a job in. I really want her to take this job, and I would be totally willing to move with her to the same city. This is something she also likes the idea of. The problem is that we don’t know if moving in together is the right thing for our relationship. And I can’t exactly sign a lease without a job. I have some savings built up, and I know I can get something in the interim, but I don’t know if I can make enough to actually live on my own. I am so afraid to screw this up, but I feel like if I don’t go it will be over anyway. Help!
Indecisive
You have to take a chance. If you’ve been together for this long and it is going really well, then the obvious choice is to take the next step and see what happens. The key will be to communicate at every step and if it really, really isn’t working, be willing to make a change. I think you might be surprised at what you’re willing to change for each other. You’ll never know unless you try.
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