Advicereality check

Reality Check

About two years ago, I got divorced. After eight years, my husband left me, and although I surely should have seen it coming, I was shocked and upset and it fucked me up. I went into a spiral for a few months, then I tried the old chin-up, “he didn’t leave me, he set me free” line of crap. Denial, some attempts at Internet dating, bitterness, regret, etc. I almost lost the house. I pulled it together, refinanced, and then went on a series of bad roommate adventures that nearly drove me crazy. And then I found my current roommate. He is much younger than I am, and we work together in the same company, but not in the same department at all. We barely see each other at work.

So far, this has been great. He is self-sufficient, clean, pays rent on time and, for the love of god, he COOKS. Great situation. I even get along with his parents, who we see every couple of weeks. He has been here for eight months without any hassle. But now he has this girlfriend, and I am worried about it. She is weird and jealous and very young. She makes passive-aggressive remarks about my weight and my house and my hair, and she has made herself WAY too comfortable here way too quickly. She is spending four nights a week here on average, and I find myself hiding in my room watching Netflix on my laptop while they watch crappy movies on my flatscreen TV in the living room, and then cramming earplugs in my ears while they go at it until late in the night.

I really like him, and I want him to be happy, but this is just a crappy situation. What can I do? This girl is not good enough for him, and she is rude and nasty to me. She never does anything in front of him, though, so he has no idea. I don’t want him to think I’m jealous, but I want this girl gone. I can’t be uncomfortable in my own house. But I want him to stay. In fact, I need him to stay. I can’t afford to live here by myself and I can’t imagine trying to find another roommate again. Many of our co-workers have made jokes about our “relationship†before, and I think it made him feel weird at the time, but now we are pretty close. How can I approach this? I need help.

Three Really Is a Crowd

I think the first thing you should do is make an effort to get to know her a little better. I don’t mean for you to supplicate yourself, but consider the fact that she is young and insecure, and you are an older woman, a home owner and a person who is very close (closer than she is) to her new boyfriend. Be nice, be welcoming, and try to assuage her fears. After that, if she continues to act like a jerk, you should call her out on it. When she makes a passive-aggressive remark, ask her what she means by it. Make her justify her stupid behavior, preferably in front of him. If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to talk to him. And make him talk to her. Whatever you do, do not get chased out of your own damned living room.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. This is the longest relationship either of us has ever had. We spend a lot of time together and are happy. Most of our friends have had sex, and we haven’t. We have talked about it, and both of us are not ready right now. Don’t get me wrong—we fool around, and it is fun, but sex is a big deal. We have said that we would like our first times to be together, just not now. My problem is that so many other girls at school ask about it, and so many people talk about it. I feel like I am missing something. I don’t want to admit that I don’t know what they are talking about. I don’t want to change who I am or what I want because of peer pressure, but how do I fake that I know what they mean? I wish people would just mind their own business.

Happy Virgin

You shouldn’t feel the need to fake anything, HV, and I generally discourage faking anything, especially when it comes to sex. But I know that when you’re young (pardon my assumption), sometimes doing your own thing is very difficult. My advice to you is not to say too much. You said that you two have fooled around, and that you are having fun and being careful, which is great. So, just tell your friends that you’re having fun and let them think whatever they want to think. If they press you for details, just tell them you aren’t comfortable talking about it. I know that it seems like everybody feels the need to broadcast their every thought and action these days, but privacy is still available to those who choose it.

It sounds like you are a smart, strong young woman who knows what she wants. Don’t let other people influence you. Are you missing something? Well, kind of, but you will get there eventually, and there is no need to rush. In fact, getting there more slowly and getting to know your own body (and figuring out what you like along the way) makes it more likely that you will enjoy it when you do finally have sex. And, hey, you may already know what you need to know about safe sex and birth control, but do me a favor and read up on it at Planned Parenthood, OK? If, like many people, you get your information from your abstinence-only school program and late-night TV, you might be missing some important details.