Advicereality check

Reality Check

[Ed. note: Jyl Inov is away on vacation for a few weeks. While she’s gone, we’ve decided to reprint some of her more memorable columns from the past few years… Enjoy.]

I’m sub-letting an apartment for the summer that I share with three roommates who I don’t really know very well. They are friends of my buddy who left for the summer. I get along with all of them fine, but I noticed that one of their girlfriends maybe gets along with me a bit too well. She is a very flirty girl in general, but with me it seems worse. She always asks me personal questions about how big my equipment is and how I like my blowjobs, etc. She has drunkenly done this in front of her boyfriend, and he only laughs. The other guys don’t seem to notice it either, but I never hear her say stuff like that to them, and one of them is single, too.

So, the other night I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and when I got back in my room she was sitting on my bed. I asked her politely to get out, and we argued a bit and were mostly laughing, but she did threaten to stay and started to get loud and jumped under my blanket and told me “we should just do it and get it over with.†Now, understand, I am only a man, and I have needs, and my reptile brain was shouting at me to lock the door and go for it. I did manage to get her out of there without so much as a kiss, but I can’t be sure what would have happened if I had been drinking or was otherwise messed up. Will I say “no” the next time? I can’t say for sure. I know it’s wrong, and I am really trying to be a good guy, but how can I nip this thing in the bud? Do you think her boyfriend is really that clueless, or do you think he just doesn’t care? How can I make her back off without being an asshole? Should I tell her boyfriend about what happened?


Sounds to me like simple avoidance isn’t cutting it, A, so you’re going to have to play a little more defense. Next time she makes a sexual remark to you in front of everybody else, ask her why she’s so interested. Don’t continue to laugh and play along or you will only encourage her. I’m not saying you have to flip out on her, but make it clear to her that she is crossing a line. You might also ask her boyfriend how he feels about it. Tell him that you’re uncomfortable about the way she acts and see if he will talk to her about it. At least then he will be forced to acknowledge her behavior. He may not notice, and it is possible that he notices and he doesn’t care. Whatever you do, you better continue to avoid her like the plague. Even if it means bolting your bedroom door and peeing out the window, you do not want to face the wrath of three roommates you barely know. It could get very ugly.

I just moved into a new place with my boyfriend. I love having space that we don’t have to share, having only our stuff, being able to do it whenever and wherever we please. We get along well, and so far, all of that is good. The thing is, our place is loaded with windows, and we live right near an apartment complex that a lot of college students are in. I know some of the neighbors are able to hear us, and we aren’t rude about it or anything, but we’re not going to be super quiet as long as we’re not waking anybody up either.

So, the other day I noticed that one neighbor in particular was looking at me when I was leaving the house. I can’t explain why, but I just knew that he knew something. He had a smirk on his face and an expression that I can’t quite describe. At first I had no idea what it was about, so I smiled and waved at him and he waved back. Then a few nights later my boyfriend and I were going at it in the bedroom and when I looked toward the window I realized that the guy—that guy, from the other day—was just across the way and he could see us. At first it freaked me out a little bit, but then I thought it was kind of hot, so I kept going. I even looked over at him and waved behind my boyfriend’s back at the guy. He laughed and gave me a thumbs up and just stood there and kept watching. I really, really got off on it and I swear that was some of the best sex I have had. And when we were done, I got up with no clothes on and walked to the kitchen and got a glass of water, knowing that this guy was watching me. I have no interest in anything physical with this guy at all, and I have no intention of even talking to him. I love my boyfriend and things are great. My question is, is there anything inherently wrong with me or with what I am doing? And do I have to tell my boyfriend that I know we are being watched? It doesn’t happen every time, obviously, but I am sure it will happen again and I even want it to.

Exhibit K.

There is nothing “inherently wrong†with what you are doing, EK. What you are is a budding exhibitionist, and as long as you and your voyeur are consenting adults, then there is no real harm. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is not consenting— yet. And even though he may freak out, you absolutely have to tell him. Think about how you would feel if you were being watched doing something intensely personal without your knowledge and he didn’t tell you. Wouldn’t you feel violated and betrayed? I mean, I know you are getting off on this particular situation, but imagine that you found out you were being watched on the toilet and your boyfriend knew and didn’t tell you. Not very nice, huh? So, sit him down in a non-sexual situation and in a different room, tell him what happened, and tell him how much you got off on it. Tell him everything you just told me: don’t know the guy, don’t want to meet him, not interested, blah, blah, blah. And then ask him how he feels about it. It is entirely possible that he may get off on it as well, or that he will at least live with it because you get off on it. But you have to give him the choice.