My friend, Steve, moved to Georgia a few years ago from New York. He lived his whole life there but is not at all the “typical” New Yorker we think of here in the South. He is kind, respectful, quick with a smile or to lend a hand. He witnessed many things during his career as a police officer, and reflexively assesses the behavior of those around him. With the keen observation that would impress Jane Goodall herself, Steve quickly noticed the subtlety of that most Southern idiom, “Bless your heart.”
There have been books, magazine articles and newspaper stories written about “bless your heart.” Mr. Zach Newcastle wrote in 2015, “…the phrase is largely seen as Southern code, a way for Southerners to insult someone in a less direct way.” Tracy Moore added more recently, “It’s the nicest way you’ll ever be called an idiot.” And when former President Donald Trump dinged former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley in 2016 (via Twitter, of course) by telling her, “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley!” She replied simply, “Bless your heart.”
Steve commented to me one day that while “bless your heart” sounds very thoughtful and sympathetic, it seemed to him more often to really mean “I told you so” or “Tough shit.” I, of course, found this hilarious. I explained to Steve that when spoken by an adult to a child, “bless your heart” almost always conveys genuine empathy or consolation. However, when spoken by one adult to another adult about a child, as in “bless his heart,” the meaning could just as likely be, “He’s as dumb and lazy as his daddy.”
When referring to a third-party female over the age of 19, “bless her heart” is almost always a veiled critique of her poor judgement in men. The only exception might be if the target of the gossip has experienced a recent family tragedy.
Intent gets even murkier if “bless her heart” is expressed in a group of middle-aged Southern women about a middle-aged acquaintance who is not present at the time. Here, context is everything, and often one needs to know the full social and family history of all women involved if there is any reasonable chance of discerning the meaning of “bless her heart.”
A few summers ago, my family and I spent a day in New York City while awaiting a flight to Europe and decided to grab a bite at a genuine New York deli before heading back to the airport. I sent Steve a message and asked for his recommendation. He sent us to Katz’s Deli on East Houston Street.
Katz’s Deli was established in 1888. It’s been run by the same family for over 100 years and is famous for its pastrami sandwiches. My wife and daughter, both vegetarians, were largely out of luck, because Katz’s is much like Saturday Night Live’s “Olympia Restaurant.” No matter what’s on the menu at the Olympia Restaurant, everyone gets a cheeseburger, chips and a Pepsi. At Katz’s, everyone gets 22 pounds of pastrami between slices of white bread and a pickle spear.
Steve sent me a message later asking what I thought about Katz’s. I politely told him it was pretty good, but asked, “Would it kill them to add some lettuce and a slice of tomato?”
He replied, “It would kill most New Yorkers.”
“But I feel like I have eaten a whole cow,” I lamented. “Even just some token ruffage would have been great.”
To which he replied, “Bless your heart.”
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