At Republican Party Headquarters, January 2028
“Well, whose idea was it?”
“I bet it was those darned kids on Tic-Tac.”
At Democratic Party Headquarters, January 2028
“Well, whose idea was it?”
“I don’t know, but whoever it was is a freaking genius.”
Our Story
The idea of putting Jesus Christ at the top of the Republican presidential ticket would have never seen the light of day 12 years ago. Someone—no one was sure where it started—decided to collect signatures in Alabama to get Jesus on the 2028 ballot. State GOP party leaders immediately endorsed Jesus for the Republican Party, calling him “a favorite Son.”
As Alabama goes, so goes the Republican nation. Other states’ GOP executive committees likewise endorsed Jesus. Evangelist Pat Robertson, who had turned 98 earlier in the year, said that Jesus would return on Inauguration Day and take office.
Democrats crossed over and voted for Jesus in droves during the primaries, but their interference wasn’t necessary. By April, the “serious” candidates were dropping like flies on Mike Pence’s head.
The question arose, what if He wins?
By May, Mike Pompeo was the only other candidate. He assured the few people who showed up for his appearances that “Jesus will always be welcome in the Pompeo White House.”
The Democrats decided to lay low for the primary season. Besides the variety of far-from-center candidates who always ran, no one was seriously opposing a second term for Kamala Harris.
The Democratic Party Convention was held in New Orleans in August. Harris and Vice President Pete Buttigieg were nominated for a second term. Both were careful to make absolutely no reference to their likely opponent in November.
Pompeo challenged the selection of Jesus Christ in the New York Republican Primary and lost his case in the State Superior Court. Because of the urgency of the matter, SCOTUS was called into special session for the matter.
Of course, the court accepted Christ, 6-3. Jesus was the Republican Party nominee.
The election on Nov. 7 drew a large turnout, though it was not record-setting. In a repeat of the 2016 split, Jesus defeated Harris in the Electoral College, 306–232.
The Harris Administration would end at noon Jan. 20. If there was no president present, the speaker of the House would assume the duties as acting president.
Speaker Mike Rogers, an Alabama Republican and staunch Baptist, announced his plans to work closely with “President Christ.”
Democrats were left scratching their heads. No one had seen this outcome. James Carville called it “the most f**ked-up version of A Miracle on 34th Street anybody could imagine.”
On Jan. 20, 2029, a man whose legal name was “Jesus Christ” arrived in Washington, DC. He brought a sack of mail sent to him—by name, of course—at his Bethlehem, PA home. His parents had been Jewish hippies named Mary and Joseph. He was single, had no criminal record and enjoyed hacky sack. The day after the inauguration, Jesus was on every Sunday morning news show, thanking His supporters and blessing people left and right.
At Democratic Party Headquarters, February 2029
“Well. They broke, but I think we’ve destroyed it.”
At Republican Party Headquarters, February 2029
“You realize we’re going to have to assassinate Jesus.”
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