If Joe Biden is too old, then who is our candidate? It can’t be just another good Democrat; it’s got to be somebody who can win the election. If we’re going to jettison the best U.S. president since FDR, we may as well come up with somebody who can appeal broadly across the electorate; somebody, even, who can pull some Republican votes—a candidate who embodies some of the characteristics the Republicans admire.
For starters, we need somebody who, say, has made a fortune trading on the name of his father, somebody who has been indicted, who has been subpoenaed to testify before Congress but who has thumbed his nose at them. But also somebody who has shown some guts, like standing up to a witch hunt and daring them to interrogate him in public, instead of behind closed doors, and somebody who’s sort of sexually kinky, and is a newcomer totally without government experience. Those are obviously the kinds of traits Republicans and evangelicals admire, so where can we find such a candidate at this late date?
I vote for Hunter Biden. Wait, wait, don’t tell me. I know it’s crazy, but just think about it. Hunter Biden has been indicted over his income taxes. He was also a dope addict like that Kennedy guy the Republicans would like to see as a third-party candidate. Otherwise, Hunter Biden is bullet-proof, golden, Teflon. The Republicans have investigated him for two years, and all they have found out is that he’s just like them: totally self-serving.
So, look: Joe may be too old, but he has that wealth of experience in all the intricacies of the U.S. government. He knows how it ticks. He knows who’s who. Same with the international affairs that have become so volatile that only somebody like Joe Biden could attempt to steer us in the right direction. Even though he can’t do it right all the time, that’s far better than steering us wrong every time.
Hunter Biden for President. Heck, think how much it will save in campaign materials. We can re-use all those Biden/Harris signs.
But wait: You’re going to say that Hunter Biden is not qualified to be president, that he has no experience, other than using his name to chase shady foreign money. But we have living proof that a person can serve as president without any experience or any interest in acquiring it, except where it profits him. But we also have Joe Biden. All we have to do is elect Hunter, pulling votes from all those Republicans and evangelicals who admire the qualities of a man like him, and install Joe Biden as his chief of staff—Joe Biden as president except in name only, Joe Biden who can concentrate even more on running the country because he’ll have Hunter to do all those ceremonial things that eat up so much presidential time. Hunter Biden can be the consensus candidate: the right man at the right time, who commands the loyalty of Democrats and the admiration of Republicans and evangelicals. And in one fell swoop, the worries about Joe Biden’s age disappear. In addition, his life expectancy skyrockets and nobody needs to worry if he speaks too slowly or stumbles occasionally.
But the most important thing is that we’ll have a Democratic candidate who is greatly admired and supported by Republicans and evangelicals because he embodies all the characteristics they admire: nepotism, tax evasion, corruption, shady foreign money, sexual impropriety, contempt for Congress, inexperience and ignorance of government—the perfect candidate to reach across the aisle and close the chasm that divides our country.
Hunter Biden for president is a win-win. Everybody wins, and the country is reunited. It’s an outcome almost too good to be true. What a relief finally to have a candidate everybody supports, to bring our country back together, making it even greater again, announcing to our own citizens and to the world that America is on a steady course, that we have a candidate who represents all of us, our best qualities and our worst, no matter how you define them.
And you know what? He’ll be running against an old guy.
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