Editor’s Note: Warning, this is satire.
Everybody knows (even if they’ve forgotten) how “our” Republican legislators—Sen. Bill Cowsert, Sen. Frank Ginn, Rep. Marcus Wiedower and Rep. Houston Gaines—reached a new level of voter suppression by nullifying the results of our Athens-Clarke County Commission election and making up their own commission districts, throwing three duly elected commissioners off the commission.
How, you ask, could this happen? How could “our” legislators turn on us in this way? The simple answer is that they’re not ours. Although they claim to represent us, in truth they could care less about us. In fact, they see us as spawn of the Democrat Devil and wish we were all dead, except for those of us who are God’s Republicans. Therefore, they and their Republican colleagues in the legislature have, over the years, carefully gerrymandered Athens-Clarke County so that, while they claim to represent us, the majority of their voters live in surrounding counties like Oconee, Walton, Gwinnett, Barrow and Jackson, where the interest in Athens is how fast they can get in and out.
Still, politicians are sensitive people, and when they do something that hurts others, they feel the pain, even though they must keep on smiling. They put their pants on just like other people, and they must face themselves in the mirror (optional for the bearded Gaines) and occasionally hear directly from a disgruntled voter when they stop by the store for a six-pack.
Accordingly, Cowsert, Ginn, Wiedower and Gaines have come up with a new plan to solve the inequalities inherent in the slicing and dicing that has disenfranchised Athens Democrats. They are all honorable men and want to do the thing that is right. Their sensitive natures bleed inwardly for all the political pain they have inflicted on this town—this economic engine for all their territory, this seat of learning, this home of the nation’s champion football team.
Frankly, Cowsert, Ginn, Wiedower and Gaines are sick and tired of hearing the whining of disgruntled Democrats here—the scowls, the fingers, the sniveling newspaper comments. They have conferred, and they have come up with yet another brilliant electoral plan that makes the gerrymander obsolete and ends forever the grousing about how unevenly votes are distributed here.
In the next session of the Georgia General Assembly, Cowsert, Ginn, Wiedower and Gaines will unveil the final Athens-Clarke County gerrymander to end all gerrymanders—simple, brilliant, sure to command the support and respect of their Republican colleagues. Their plan is based on the current reality that Athens has scant representation in the legislature, and the recognition that this situation makes local Democrats mad as hell.
Their solution is simply to bring the previous gerrymanders to the logical conclusion of taking away all votes from Athens-Clarke County. This can be easily done just by extending the surrounding districts that reach into Athens-Clarke until they absorb all of Athens-Clarke. There will no longer be any such thing as an Athens-Clarke County voter. All voters here will be, for electoral purposes, citizens of Oconee, Walton, Barrow, Oglethorpe or Jackson counties. Our mayor and members of the Athens-Clarke County Commission will be elected by the voters of the surrounding counties. In legislative, congressional and statewide elections, there will be no Athens-Clarke vote; it will be dispersed among the districts that have absorbed this area.
Cowsert, Ginn, Wiedower and Gaines are to be congratulated for their political acumen. They have taken a thorny problem and simply made it disappear. Athens-Clarke County and its liberal voters have always been an affront to local and state Republicans. Now they no longer exist. The former Athens Democrats are now just disgruntled voters in various rural counties where they are in the vast minority and can safely be ignored.
On the local level, Cowsert, Ginn, Wiedower and Gaines have gone a giant step beyond their recent coup of creating three new ACC commissioners. They have now created a whole new ACC Mayor and Commission, elected by surrounding rural Republicans. Not only have they put an end to the enclave of liberal Athens-Clarke County voters, they have also done away with the liberal ACC government that is always calling for them to do something on behalf of Athens.
Now, Cowsert, Ginn, Wiedower and Gaines will never have to do anything for Athens, as if they ever have.
BTW: This next election will be an excellent chance for Athens-Clarke voters, while we still exist, to vote against this local Republican legislative gang. They happen to have some good opponents.
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