NewsPub Notes

The Georgia Guidestones Will Rise Again

The Georgia Guidestones—before. Credit: Quentin Melson

I have a theory. It’s one of those Rudy Giuliani theories without facts: Houston Gaines blew up the Guidestones.

Let me explain. Houston Gaines is a Republican Georgia legislator who lives in Athens and “represents” a small part of Athens, but the large majority of his constituents and his financial support are outside Athens. (See pp. 6 & 7.) Each reapportionment adds more outlying constituents so that there is only a slim danger that Athenians can vote Gaines out of office. It’s all part of the gerrymandering that crams enough Democrats into one Athens district that there are not enough left over to outvote all the rural counties that supply Gaines with the votes and money to keep him in office.

To please the rubes, Gaines is always looking for ways to stick it to Athens. For instance, he is part of the Republican Gang of Four (Sen. Bill Cowsert, Sen. Frank Ginn,  Rep. Marcus Wiedower and Gaines) who blew up the Athens-Clarke County government and got rid of three democratically elected progressive commissioners so that local right-wing Republicans could try to install their own commissioners.

So, here’s my theory. The Georgia Guidestones have been standing out in a field in Elbert County since 1980, and nobody has ever known what the hell they meant or how they got there. But lately, they have become the locus of a right wing notion that they are the blueprint for a new world order—you know, a world government, ruled over by Satan, of course—kind of a rural rebuttal to pedophilic pizza parlors.

Gaines is always looking for ways to please his base, and what could be better than to take up the cause espoused by recent Georgia Republican gubernatorial candidate Kandiss (sic) Taylor: Blow up the Guidestones.

Does that make sense? I think this is what happened: In addition to his part of Clarke, the Republicans have added chunks of Oconee, Barrow and Jackson counties to Gaines’ district, so you can readily understand how he could lose track and forget that he doesn’t represent Elbert County, too—a natural mistake, especially since his own people emigrated here from Elbert.

Now, you may think my theory is a little far-fetched, but you have to understand that Gaines is a rising star in the Georgia legislature. For your star to ascend over there, you’ve got to have a strong base back home. The way to build a strong base is to feed them the red meat they crave. The best way to accomplish this is to have an opponent you can save them from. There’s got to be a group of people that the base doesn’t like, so that the more you beat up on those people, the more the base will love you. We are those people. The more Gaines kicks Athens around, the better he looks out there in the country. “Hey, Houston: Give ’em hell—them fancy-pants progressive latte lappers.”

Houston is home free. He’s got a great base of right-wing Republicans here in Athens and a countryside of Athens resenters surrounding him. He’s golden. He can do anything, as long as he toes the line—makes sure that no more elections get stolen, no more bad Guidestones are erected, nobody else believes that Trump didn’t win, nobody cares about democratic government, based on, you know, the will of the people, especially if those people can’t express their will because the commissioners they voted for get blown out of office.

In the effort to avoid angering Rep. Gaines and his supporters, I will offer this piece of win-win-advice. Houston and his legislative gang can introduce a bill to reconstruct the Georgia Guidestones, maybe in one of the rural counties that Houston does represent. Instead of all the gobbledygook about world peace and surviving nuclear holocaust written in all those foreign languages, the New Republican Georgia Guidestones can be written in the same language as the Bible was written in: English. (See: the late Georgia legislator Denmark Groover.) Gov. Kemp can appoint a special committee of Georgians to devise the new commandments. The committee can be chaired by U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, who endorsed Kandiss Taylor’s proposal for getting rid of the old stones. No doubt many prominent Republicans will be eager to serve, including, I insist, Houston Gaines, of course.

I offer this modest proposal in the spirit of bipartisanship and in the hope that it may bring some good out of the rubble of violence and destruction. I will even go so far as to endorse an effort to have the Guidestones rebuilt in downtown Athens, so that Rep. Gaines can thwart our satanic plan while saving the Stones for Eastville or Statham or Arcade or some other community he actually represents.