Letters to the EditorNews

Modest Proposals on Guns and Abortion

There is almost too much going on to wrap your head around. Those who delight in chaos must be thrilled. Those who profit from anger and misery and fear are having a banner year. This making America great thing seems to really be working! 

Our two proudest accomplishments: Overturn Roe and get more guns into the anemic system. Those two play hand in hand, can’t you see?

It seems obvious that guns are not the problem—people are. We simply need to outlaw people; at least the angry, scarred, mentally unstable, dangerously deluded, jealous, depressed or ostracized ones. I’m sure there’s more we will outlaw as soon as we can figure out who you are. Probably most everybody in the end. But the happy news is they will all be heavily armed until then. It would probably help if we made access to even more potent weapons even easier. I personally think it is my God-given right to own hand grenades. I can’t think of a single thing that would make America even more great than universal hand grenade ownership.

But to that small pocket of liberals who are still upset over the recent events, I offer a compromise. Those of us who are so strongly pro-life—I know I am, at least until birth—have always promoted common-sense measures, such as universal gun rights and the death penalty. We are not so ignorant as to not realize that there may become a burgeoning population of unwanted, mistreated, poor and drug-addicted babies that will certainly be flooding our way soon. Probably lots of brown ones, too, I bet. That’s why we place such a high value on such logical checks and balances like universal open carry and the death penalty. That’s one reason I favor hand grenades, but I realize that may seem a little too progressive for some of the more timid of the flock.

After all the recent events, there may be some chance of the radical left raising its ugly baby-eating, vote-stealing head to enact some stupid attempt at stopping our noble intentions regarding life and death, both of which begin at conception. Only God chooses those outcomes, and only we, the chosen righteous, can be the instruments of his will. I know all you baby-eating, vote-stealing commie leftists out there think that all babies and guns are bad, but please know that the Supreme Court was chosen by God, and they know what’s best. That’s why they are supreme, like the Supreme Being. For those of you still stinging from this loss but still able to listen to reason, I think I have a way to soften the blow from your defeat.

In God’s holy bulletproof name.