I ended a relationship with my last boyfriend a little over a year ago. We had been together for nearly three years, we lived together, had pets together—you know the drill. But we were not sexually compatible, and came from different backgrounds and just couldn’t get those things to mesh. We were both sad about the relationship ending, as everything else between us was fine, but we were equally aware that it wasn’t going to work, and that we had to end it. I had a few fun, slutty summer months and then got into a very serious relationship with one of the guys I was sleeping with. He had other sexual partners, and after a short bit of heartbreak due to us not being honest, we decided on an open relationship and to go slowly.
Slowly did not work. We fell instantly in love, and started combining our lives (finances, pets, etc.). We’ve been living together for a few months now, and I’m starting to fall apart. During those fun, slutty summer months I mentioned before, I was wasted, and punched a guy that was getting sleazy on me at a bar—well, actually, I punched the wrong guy; the sleazy one had left. So, yes, I assaulted a stranger for no reason other than drunken confusion, and I have had to do court appointed therapy and community service.
This court-appointed therapy is really fucking with my head. It’s actually helping change my life entirely, and I’m planning on seeing this therapist when the court therapy ends, as well. I feel like I’m on this incredible path that’s tearing me apart so that I can rebuild myself again, and I feel like my boyfriend is keeping me from it. I don’t have the time to be alone and process anything without his input, and he keeps helping me “eliminate bad influences” from my life, aka getting rid of my friends and family who aren’t perfect but who have been there for me, and whose relationships I am just starting to understand through therapy.
I can’t sleep with this guy anymore, as I see him as this huge boulder blocking me from coming out of the mental cave I’ve been stuck in for 25 years. Also, I’m not personally into taking medication for psychological reasons (yet), but he’s pushing it, and has asked to come with me to therapy. I’m at a loss for what to do. I just feel like I should be alone right now, but it might just be too late.
Confusion
It’s not too late. You obviously feel that you need to be alone right now. You are talking about your boyfriend in very negative terms. You said you can’t sleep with him anymore, so I’m guessing that he has some idea where this is headed. The best (and kindest) thing to do is just tell him that you need out. This may be a bad relationship for you, or it may just be bad timing, but in any case it is over, and you have to face that fact and finish extracting yourself from him. Focus on yourself and your needs, and you will either come back to him a better person or you will find somebody else that you are more compatible with.
My friend is in a relationship that is bad for him. I don’t know what to do about it, because I live several hours away. His boyfriend took advantage of his open personality and moved in with him early in their relationship. My friend is going through a lot of drama confronting issues of molestation from his childhood in therapy with his family. His boyfriend doesn’t understand this, and doesn’t understand his need for space. They live in a studio apartment that is quickly becoming more the boyfriend’s than my friend’s. The boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic, and due to that, sees his opinion as more valid, often saying, “I’ve been to hell and back, and now I know what I can change and what I can’t,” which is great for him, but not fine for deciding how my friend should live his life.
I can’t mention any of this to my friend, because he is really unstable right now. He often misses work due to panic attacks, and his parents have called me, upset about the way he acts. Another thing is that my friend used to be a complete bottom sub and now, due to confronting his past in therapy, he is unable to have sex the same way he used to. This is not OK with the boyfriend. My friend used to be into all kinds of “non-consensual fantasy situations that were actually consensual,” as he put it. Before he told me he couldn’t have sex like he used to, he told me that his boyfriend was coming on to him and he said that he wasn’t down for that, yet. The boyfriend then called him a pussy and fag and started to have sex with him anyway. My friend didn’t follow up this story with, “Isn’t that so hot?” so I’m inclined to think he was raped.
He claims that they’ve stopped having sex now, but I don’t know if that’s true. He made it very clear that he can’t have sex right now due to his panic attacks, so I don’t know what’s happening. My friend is 23 and his boyfriend is 26; they aren’t old enough to have everything figured out, but some of this basic stuff is outrageous, and I fear for his safety. I’ve mentioned this to our mutual friends, and they think that I need to relax and “let it happen” as part of his life experiences or something asinine like that. I’m worried for my friend.
I don’t know what to do.
Worried About My Friend
Is there any way you can go see your friend? Because it seems to me that you would get a better grasp of the situation in person, and if you need to have a serious conversation about this, you should have it face to face. Let’s assume that your fears are correct (because obviously, if you go there and decide that they are completely unfounded, then you just shut up and go home). Sit your friend down and tell him you’re worried. I know you said you can’t mention any of it to him because he is unstable, but what is the alternative? Keep your mouth shut and hope nothing bad happens? Not an option, in my opinion.
Tell him that the guy is bad news. Ask him more about the potential rape incident, and tell him you are concerned for his safety. Most importantly, ask him what he needs. If he is in therapy, it probably won’t do to have him move in with you, but you can probably help him move the boyfriend out. Offer moral support, get other friends involved if you can, and let him know that he can reach out to you for whatever he needs. How things proceed from there will depend on his reaction. I wish you luck.
Got a question for Jyl? Ask her.
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